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Am I A Monster?

by Teresa's Child

All my life, I thought I was. My parents told me I was. The priest told me I was. The girl I loved told me I was. And I told myself that I was. I was a monster. I deserved to die. I needed to die. I did horrible things, and I feel horrible feelings, feelings that “good” people, truly “good” people, would never feel. Would never do. Yes, I am a monster.

But, where are these “good” people? Where are these altruistic, kind, strong, fair, courageous, self-controlled people? These protectors of the weak, these heroic souls? This ideal that I compared myself against, where is it in the world? Oh yeah, people don’t act on their desires all the time. Is that because they are “good”? It’s because they are afraid. They reek of fear. Fear of consequences. Fear of judgement. Fear of self. But when no one’s looking, I’ve seen what “good” people do. They join the rest of them, wriggling like vile worms, strangling each other to get to the top.

Humans are different from animals, so many have told me. They’ve insisted. Oh, we’re better than animals. We made technology. Truly a brilliant invention that has helped change the world…wait, no. It’s just caused more destruction of nature for the sake of convenience and entertainment of the human race. That’s not special. All animals want to instinctually make their lives easier. Oh, but we’re smarter. Yeah. We’re smarter. We were able to win against other animals and now we’re king of the jungle. But we still live by nature’s rules.

The strong live at the expense of the weak. They eat the weak. That is the Law. Humans are no different. There is no “good” ideal. There is no altruism, no justice, no pleasure except the pleasure we take at the cost of others, whether we are aware of their sacrifices or not. That is our way. That is nature’s way. We are ruled by greed, and there is nothing we won’t sacrifice to satisfy our greed. Myself included.

So, am I a monster? No. No, I am not a monster. I am human, as human as you. As human as everyone else. If I am in a position of power over you, I will eat you. If you are in a position of power over me, you will eat me. There is no justice. There is no kindness. There is no love. There is no compassion. There is no redemption. There is nothing but endless greed, at any cost. That is the law. No matter the idealism that humans spew to try and control others, and convince themselves they are “good” and someone else is “evil”, that will always be the law. The rest are platitudes and garbage.

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Teresa's Child 8/21/2020 - 1:44 am

But what about the justice system? Surely it’s fair. Surely there’s justice. If I kill someone, society will kill me. Justice.

Yes, they will. That’s fair. What about when one society massacre’s another society and calls that justice? Well, then some coalition of governments will step in, right? Right? Maybe. It depends on what the other countries involved in that coalition stand to gain from stepping in.

And therein lies the key observation, which is why it helps to look at motives from a macro level, as it distances us from the emotional baggage of justice on a human scale. Law within a society exists so that those that make the laws can gain the most. If murder is allowed by the commonfolk, then anyone can murder the lawmakers. That’s bad for the lawmakers, so murder is not allowed. If fraud is legal, then the lawmakers can lose money within their individual private corporations, so fraud is illegal. And so on and so forth.

Laws don’t exist for the people. They exist to control the people, while the 1% are above the law. They commit financial crimes all the time, and nothing happens to them. They commit crimes beyond that as well (I would know) and get away with that as well. The 1%, which owns 99% of the private sector’s capita, funds the legal system. They own it. And they use it to eat the weak. Justice is nothing more than a word that means “convenience for the 1% , and a method to control the rest of the people and continue to profit off them”.

mountaingoat 8/21/2020 - 9:05 pm

I don’t share your view of the human race.

There are decent, compassionate people out there. There are people who would give you the shirt off their back.

We can choose to be kind and compassionate. Or we can go the other way.

I know what you mean though, the wealth of society and the system itself is controlled by true psychopaths. It causes so much misery and hatred and stirs up many of the bad reactions you see out there.

thebends 8/22/2020 - 6:27 am

There’s a scifi show, I forgot the name, where a superior alien race refers to our laws & justice system as “judicial revenge.” I can’t think of a better description. Human society has built a system of righteous violence, masquerading as “law and order” or “good vs evil” but you are right, it’s all just a mask for the cruelty and selfishness of human nature.

There are good (selfless, logical, rational) people in the world but they are quickly eaten up. Or they are powerless and inert, so that makes them insignificant in this equation. The strong ones, the ones who are running this society, the ones who literally speak for the human race, are sh**

We are a race of monsters. All I can suggest is to go out with a fight. With your last days on earth, be the “good” person you believe in, just for the sake of going out on your own terms. I figure maybe I’ll spend my last days planting trees and then hang myself from one.

Teresa's Child 8/22/2020 - 11:59 am

Precisely. Couldn’t agree more. The people that are selfless are eaten alive, quickly. That’s why they don’t actually exist, or even if they do, so few exist that it would be like searching for a golden dragon. A lot of “selfless” people that we see and believe are selfless are frauds.

thebends 8/22/2020 - 3:43 pm

That’s the saddest part. The few rays of hope that we see, the “selfless people” and charities are run by frauds just like everything else.

I would choose literally any other animal to govern this planet. Sure, there is cruelty in nature, but not to this degree of deception and manipulation that humans have taken it to. I’d rather be eaten by an honest lion than a lying hypocritical human.

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