I think avoidant is a pretty good label for at least part of what is wrong with me. It’s not the worst thing, but it’s a big issue. At root, I am terrified of being seen, perceived, or judged. Of the negative assessments of others, spoken or unspoken. And so I instinctively seek to avoid real world contact with people wherever possible.
It’s understandable that I would be sensitive to judgement, given that in many ways I’m pretty disgusting and pathetic. But I feared judgement long before I had done so much to deserve it. I was resistant to anything that would expose my underlying weaknesses.
I isolate myself not because I don’t crave social contact, but because I feel the need to control it. If you let people into your life, then they might do or say something that highlights your flaws. And how could one possibly tolerate that?
Perhaps there’s a kind of narcissism at work underneath. If I can avoid any exposure to others perceptions of me, then on some level I can pretend to myself that I am the handsome, witty, and moral person that I want to imagine. My self-image was always incredibly weak. I never really had a strong sense of who I was beyond superficial expectations. And now I’m too broken to develop one.
So I feel the need to avoid others wherever possible. In order to feel safe and not be gripped by paralyzing anxiety, I need personal space where I know no one will pop round unannounced. Where there will be no cold callers who peer in at you, or maintenance workers who turn up without an appointment. Where I don’t see or hear from my neighbors. Somewhere I can pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
And unless you’ve got a tonne of money, or you’re prepared to live in the wilderness, that isn’t realistically possible. So a lot of the time, existence seems intolerable.
Rationally, I know it’s stupid. Even if someone observes you doing or saying something embarrassing, what’s the worst that could happen? They assume you’re a loser or a weirdo, so what? Unless you want them specifically to be your friends, who gives a shit?
But I just can’t seem to tolerate the threat of random strangers thinking poorly of me. It’s a real problem. It’s making me incredibly dysfunctional – I often won’t even leave the house to get essential groceries. I don’t make necessary doctor’s or dentists appointments. I haven’t worked a real job in years.
And yet the idea of change seems impossible. The prospect of trying to overcome such fears seems overwhelming and unbearable. The world is just too terrifying to me.
4 comments
This is one of the most relatable posts that I have ever read anywhere.
Anthropophobia is a perfectly rational response when dealing with a species capable of inflicting physical and psychological blows like nothing else can. I have experienced, witnessed, and read so many examples of shockingly vicious behavior from humans that I am more cautious/anxious around them than I am around anything else in this world. Even predatory animals such as bears and rattlesnakes typically won’t bother humans unless they feel threatened. There is a mutual respect that isn’t always the case with humans due to their malicious, threatening, combative, unpredictable, and irrational nature.
I am a completely different person when I am alone. Confident, anxiety-free, and happy. I would even go so far as to say that being able to minimize the amount of interaction I have with other people is one of the only things keeping me alive at this point.
While we certainly have a capacity for startling levels of malice, most people most of the time are fine. I haven’t been punched, kicked, or verbally abused since school (nearly 15 years.) Admittedly I’ve spent most of that time hiding, but of the encounters I’ve had the worst I’ve experienced is indifference or pity. I agree it’s rational to approach others with a degree of caution (especially males in a certain age bracket), but I think my level of threat perception is just dialed ridiculously high. Pretty much every time I pass someone in the street a small part of me wonders if I’m looking at them funny, and if so if it will end in a confrontation. It never has. I’ve spent most of my adult life clenching, tensing, waiting for my fears to come true.
And the fear extends to those who are obviously not a threat – who are clearly well-meaning, peaceful, and calm. I can almost guarantee that they will not say or do anything unpleasant or threatening. But still I fear, because through interacting with them I may be forced to see my own flaws.
You are more fortunate than I if you haven’t experienced any sort of abuse since your school days. I was also verbally tormented and physically abused throughout middle school and high school (3 different schools from 6th to 12 grade). Although I currently don’t experience relentless bullying like I did back then, I do experience other people’s judgement and hatred seemingly every time I step outside my door. The angry, intimidating, unbroken glares from other guys. The creeped-out looks from young women scurrying away from me when I am just trying to go about my own business. Before I started working from home in March, I had several encounters with young men trying to pick fights with me for no reason at all. I was even suckerpunched from behind one time, resulting in chipped teeth that I paid a small fortune getting fixed at the dentist. As with my school bullies, the perpetrator got away with it scot-free. It’s no wonder that I am completely terrified of humans and what they are capable of doing. Only when I get to know someone and find out they’re not like most people I’ve encountered will I let my guard down some, but never completely after being let down by others time and time again. I pray for this horrible species to die out everyday.
I’m so sorry, that’s terrible. My own experiences with school bullying were damaging, but I got off comparatively easy – spit on a few times, the odd kick or punch to ‘put me in my place’, threats, and insulting nicknames. No one ever beat the crap out of me, and it wasn’t constant – just enough to leave me feeling unsafe and dread going there.
I’m always worried about young men, especially in groups. I fear the kind of encounters and assaults you’ve experienced. There’s something especially distressing about getting sucker punched – it leaves you with the sense that it could happen at any time out of nowhere, so you always have to be on guard. It could be that where I’ve lived has reduced my exposure to such threats as an adult – I’ve always been in rural areas with low crime. Or it might be how little I go out. Or being tall and hairy – maybe people think I can handle myself now in a fight (I can’t). But I think in my fear it’s possible I’ve adopted a way of acting that avoids trouble. Sort of non-confrontational without seeming like an easy target? I don’t know. But every time I walk through my town, I fear catching the attention of groups of young men. I avoid looking directly at them, but I also try not to look away or like I’m scared – I kind of look past them. I basically pretend they’re not there, unless they talk to me, and I only respond if it’s civil – anything remotely mocking I pretend I haven’t heard. But I always clench my fists ready to lash out if an attack comes. There’s something very tribal and animalistic about the way certain men behave in groups – like it gives them the confidence to pick targets.
It is understandable to be scared. But I guess it’s not helpful, overall. I’ve often thought I should seek out some kind of self-defense training, so I’m as prepared as I can be if things do take a turn. I think it might reduce my fear, preparing for and accepting the worst. But again, that would require exposing myself to the judgement of others.
It does sound like you’ve had bad luck with the people you’ve met. I don’t think the majority of adults pose a risk of assault, or would really want to torment someone. But violent and vindictive people tend to really dominate one’s experience.
I know what you mean, but I don’t think our species is truly horrible, however much resentment I might feel. We’re just about what you’d expect from a bunch of big-brained tribal apes. We have some instincts to violently target others outside our group, but also the capacity for empathy and compassion when we recognize others as ‘like us’. The fact that most people mean well most of the time is a testament to the power of moral progress. I do think the malice within us could be overcome, given the right social conditions.
But yeah, until that utopia…I should probably learn to fight. If I’m not going to off myself. You’re right that this world really is dangerous – but my hypersensitivity to that threat isn’t helpful or desirable – because I suffer over things that are unlikely to happen without actually doing anything to protect myself.