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Cutting

by alwayslonely

I started cutting myself in 6th grade, I’m going to be a sophomore now. I used to not understand how people could do that to themselves, I don’t really remember the first time I did it, I know it started out as scratches and one day I used one of those razors meant for your eyebrows and cut myself. It was relieving and made me feel better so I have never stopped since. I don’t do it everyday, a few times a week maybe. I only do it on my outer thighs, but I used to cut myself on my wrist sometimes when it was cold outside and I could wear long sleeves. My mom has saw my cuts three times I remember. Back when I first started cutting myself and it wasn’t that deep she saw a cut in my wrist when I went to hug her, I told her it was the dog and she seemed to believe me. About a year ago I cut myself on the wrist it was really deep but I forgot about it, she saw when I opened the refrigerator and asked me what happened. I said nothing and quickly went to my room but she kept asking me but I never answered her, she didn’t ask anymore after that. Then a couple of weeks ago she didn’t actually see but I cut myself very deep on my leg and it left a huge puddle of blood in my carpet and I got it all over my clothes I think I probably needed stitches but I just put a big bandage over it, and when I took a shower threw it in the trash. She saw the bandage in the trash and told me that I better not be cutting myself. I told her that I don’t know what she’s talking about. She got really angry at me and she said was going to beat my ass for being so stupid and she said she was going to tell my dad, not like he even gives a shit about me but he probably would get really mad at me, she didn’t tell him though. When she was yelling at me I just went outside and walked for a couple of hours to get away from her. Why did she get angry, why won’t she help me instead of getting mad at me. I don’t understand why she thinks hitting me is necessary it’s my body and I can cut it if I want, that won’t make me stop anyway. She hasn’t said anything since, why does she think yelling at me one time is going to do anything. I want someone to help me but nobody will. I’ve told her before I think I’m depressed and suffer everyday but she won’t help me, so I just keep it to myself. Really if that won’t make her help me what will. I wonder what would happen if I showed her my leg and told her that I’ve been doing this for four years now would she help me or just tell me that it’s my fault for being stupid and doing that to myself.

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