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I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this

by alina_01

That sums it up. I deserved to live a good life without so much pain. But with time I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter what you deserve you get whatever you’re given. I’ve had so much pain in my life, been in the darkest holes. Each time I had to pull myself out because no one could help me but me. I had the will to do it then but now as I am older I feel what’s the point I only end up back again to a darker and deeper hole. And so I have chosen to stay this time and I will wait until I’m no longer needed to care for my sick relative and then I need to die. Every time I confide in someone, I trust them to open up about my pain in the hopes that they are able to understand me. And be understand I do not mean they know exactly what I think and feel I’m sick of people thinking that way and using it as justification to wash their hands. I share information about my feelings and about my life so that someone can “understand” meaning they take that information and interpret the meaning.  You don’t have to go through bad shit to know that it’s bad and most likely feels awful is my point. The disregard it and resent me for things I can not control. Love does not exist for me no more than happiness. I see no point anymore, I would love nothing more than to move forward to have a chance. But I am burned out and I can’t keep doing this anymore. I am glad I never married, that I never had children, that I am not close to anyone. This makes the impact of my death less important and less painful. I accept that I am a failure, I embrace it now.

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4 comments

Stones on Mars 8/29/2020 - 3:32 pm

This sums it up. Every morning I wake up thinking ‘it didn’t have to end this way’ but it will because like you said, I can’t keep doing this anymore. The only thing I have learned in life is that it does NOT get better, karma does NOT exist, and good does NOT win. So when you finally accept that this is a corrupt game with trick cards stacked against you, what’s left but to quit the game.

Like you, I never got married, never had kids, never made connections where people depended on me. That makes suicide a no brainer. I mean that in a genuinely bright way… we are free to end this with no regrets.

Soda 8/29/2020 - 6:36 pm

I can relate, my life took a different path than I had hoped for but I think I’m a bit psychic and I knew I’d end up in a bad state no matter what I did. Part of it was my ahole father’s meddling, esp on key decisions in my life. Part of it is society and what opportunities it offers you or doesn’t. And the rest is the due to the poor choices I made.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet because I’ve gotten out of a lot of bad situations and things are on a positive trajectory for now. Plus I believe I’m close to making a significant improvement in my life. If that happens then I’ll be fine. I’m middle-aged and plan to find a nice partner and maybe do some traveling.

Like you I’m really glad I didn’t have any kids, I absolutely have no desire to either. It’s a lot of work. I’d only consider it if I knew I’d be able to give them a far better life than I had.

It is unfortunate that some of us have been forced into this position. But at the same time, we’re at least intelligent about our lives. We know if it sucks and won’t improve then suicide is best. There are many people who never contemplate suicide and still live in terrible conditions.

I feel we still live in a very barbaric age, though our science/medicine has progressed, there are still too many idiots having kids they shouldn’t esp. those in poverty, forcing them to live 80 years in misery for no reason. We need licensing for having kids, force people to meet minimum income requirements and pass psyche exams.

Till we have a more rational system it’s basically a free-for-all. And it’s up to us to decide to keep living or finding a way to end one’s bad life.

mountaingoat 8/30/2020 - 2:26 am

Well, Im a head case of some kind too who frequents this site.

Somehow, I did have a wife and kids for a while there. When she left me for a guy nine years younger than me, I lost everything and was forced to move away.

I barely know my own kids anymore, it’s incredibly painful and there is not much I can do about it. I think about it every day and sometimes I wake in a panic over it. It’s been like 8 years now. Ill never get over it.

mountaingoat 8/30/2020 - 2:26 am

Well, Im a head case of some kind too who frequents this site.

Somehow, I did have a wife and kids for a while there. When she left me for a guy nine years younger than me, I lost everything and was forced to move away.

I barely know my own kids anymore, it’s incredibly painful and there is not much I can do about it. I think about it every day and sometimes I wake in a panic over it. It’s been like 8 years now. Ill never get over it.

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