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It won’t be over soon

by evianwatre

im tired of being like this, tired of overthinking, tired of sharing and not sharing tired of you telling me you know it but you don’t l’m tired of hearing false shit made up by myself knowing I’m comepletely fucking autistic. I’m tired of thinking that I deserve to get walked over on but when I do it still hurts l’m tired of letting you know l’m tired of keeping it to myself. I’m tired of the memories, l’m tired of the days I can’t go back to but do you know? But can you see? Contradictions over and over again what’s seemingly pretentious what’s real and fake l wish it could just let me go

It hurts so much, I just want to stop thinking, I jusg want to stop being aware of it. Is it true or false? Telling myself they hate you they hate you they hate you but you matter so little to them that they don’t even bother to feel anything towards you but is that true? I hate myself so much I can’t breathe, I hate myself so much I’m going insane. All I can hear, all I can comprehend is that they hate me and I do too but what is true? What is real? Are my thoughts right because I’m never right but I don’t know I don’t know my mind is killing me. Nobody will know. I hate myself so much I can’t go on. I’m this and I’m that and my thoughts and emotions are jumping all over the place. Time and future is a far away concept, all I can see is a dead end? I don’t want anything anymore. I can’t recognize myself anymore, however I try to put it there’s no way out and I’m tired. The thoughts are strangling me harder than the times I pulled on the rope. Love and nothing but love, hate and nothing but hate. It will all be ok soon but you know it won’t.

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evianwatre 8/3/2020 - 7:11 am

Im better now, I added to this post multiple times in one night and I’ve been all over the place. i feel a bit more stable now, the whole night my mind has been flickering up and down and left and right. It might be the menstrual cycle that’s influencing my emotions because I usually feel the most at ease during the night…time to go to sleep.

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