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Out of reasons to live

by Wraith

I have been severely depressed for three long decades and have never experienced any long-lasting periods of happiness. The best experiences that one can have in this hellish existence, such as falling in love and having sex, have always been off-limits to me. Now I cannot even experience simple pleasures such as travel, concerts, and sporting events because of COVID-19 shutting down everything. I am expected to just work, work, work like a slave without having anything to look forward to besides loneliness, rejection, pain, boredom, and work. I did not sign up for this.

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6 comments

muspelhem 8/20/2020 - 2:40 pm

Although it’s no replacement, I personally feel like friendships are what comes closest to numbing the pain of having no intimate relationship. If you’re a guy like I am, guy friends can usually relate, and you don’t have to wear a mask in their company. They also might be a way of meeting more people, including women.

deathisnear 8/20/2020 - 3:38 pm

I don’t have any friends that I regularly hang out with either. They all got married and had families — leaving me in the dust. Or they completely forgot about me, save a couple who only email me a few times a year if I’m lucky. That’s the extent of my social life for the past 10-15 years.

mountaingoat 8/20/2020 - 10:35 pm

Props for hanging in there for so long. I think you should hang in there as long as you can, even if life sucks.

deathisnear 8/21/2020 - 5:32 am

I have been waiting for life to give me one last push off the edge. In the meantime, I linger in a state of depressive limbo.

mountaingoat 8/21/2020 - 9:15 pm

Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon enough.

I doubt Ill make it to natural death. I really think Ill end it before then. Growing old is something for people with families and/or money. I have no one to help me and Im not going through that alone.

Until then though, Im going to go into tomorrow even though Im permanently depressed, moody, and psychologically distressed.

I have a job that pays OK that I can do and I figure life must be this way because it’s what is right for me at this time. So Im going to face it even though it is painful and sad.

If things get much worse, I will reach my limit. But until then…

deathisnear 8/22/2020 - 7:32 pm

Dealing with a whole new set of problems that accompany aging, on top of the unresolved issues that have followed us for years or decades, could topple even the most resilient individuals. This is especially true for those of us with nonexistent support systems. At what point, do we say it’s just not worth it anymore? I similarly haven’t reached the point of no return yet, but anticipate that I will before any miracles happen in my life that would relieve my lifelong depression and restore my will to live.

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