I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?
But of course, that’s not what I really want. I want ‘freedom to’, not just ‘freedom from’. I want to exist again, without these chains dragging behind me. And that’s not possible. There is no freedom – there is only an end. And that’s where the doubts set in, and keep me clinging on to an existence and a self that I’m thoroughly sick of.