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same=old

by thehusk

I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?

But of course, that’s not what I really want. I want ‘freedom to’, not just ‘freedom from’. I want to exist again, without these chains dragging behind me. And that’s not possible. There is no freedom – there is only an end. And that’s where the doubts set in, and keep me clinging on to an existence and a self that I’m thoroughly sick of.

10 comments
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10 comments

Jack 8/8/2020 - 11:42 am

Can’t you just leave all the old shit behind and start fresh maybe in another place, country?

thehusk 8/8/2020 - 12:29 pm

The shit is mostly in my mind, my past, things I know about myself. I carry it with my everywhere I go. My problem is me.

Jack 8/8/2020 - 1:03 pm

Can you tell me some bad things that you did?

thehusk 8/8/2020 - 1:09 pm

Afraid not. They’re bad enough that I can’t risk saying them on anonymous online forums. That’s all I’ll say.

Jack 8/8/2020 - 1:11 pm

Do you mind if I ask you some questions?

thehusk 8/8/2020 - 1:23 pm

You’re welcome to, though as I said I can’t discuss the precise nature of the things I’ve done.

Jack 8/8/2020 - 2:10 pm

Do you have a job? Do you have a wife or gf?

thehusk 8/8/2020 - 2:11 pm

Nope. I have no life.

Black Holez 8/8/2020 - 10:17 pm

You cant just do that in this day and age. Our governments record our every step. Employers ask for birth certificates, references and work history. Our governments keep records of every name change and employment history in their databases. Our movements are tracked online thru our phones so employers know who we are if we give them our phone numbers.

Believe me, I wish to go to another place myself. Change my name and identity and start anew due to what happened to me but I realized that will never work. You still need a job to live. You still need references, birth certificates and police records to pass to your employer for them to screen you if you are a potential liability or not. This is not like the past where you can just build a cabin out of nowhere, chop down trees, plant potatoes in your backyard and raise hogs and chickens for food. Everything revolves around getting a job, acquiring money and paying bills with said money. We’ve lost pretty much our survival skills we had that made us humans dominant on earth.

Everything now is tracked. Everything is recorded. Welcome to dystopia. There is no escape.

Jack 8/8/2020 - 11:50 am

I’m so fuckin tired of my life, I wish I could leave it all behind

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