I feel a little less burdened right now, but I have the overwhelming desire to contact the person who had the restraining order.
This is what I would want to say:
I hope this message finds you well. I am choosing to reach out to you with the hopes of gaining a sense of closure, but I would also like to provide feedback to you. Ultimately, I would like to give you the opportunity to explain yourself, and I ask for the favor to be returned.
It’s never too late to apologize for the following harmful actions you chose to take:
– Referred to me as “manipulative” to my mother while I was at the hospital like the silent treatment isn’t manipulative as hell. If you don’t believe I was in the hospital, there are medical records. My illness is well documented.
– Started a rumor while I worked with you that I slept with a coworker on the job
– Gave me the silent treatment (emotional/psychological abuse) for around 6 years without acknowledging a reason why or offering an explanation. Do you just not have a good one?
– Falsely accused me of harassment when I was looking for closure
– Got a permanent 5 year extension on a restraining order that I had no say in
– Got me banned from one of my favorite places
– Stereotyped me as violent because I have a mental illness
– Deadnamed me to police and through the court system multiple times
– Isolated me from friends and family and halted my transition via legal proceedings
– Called the cops and accused me of a crime that resulted in me being tortured
– Accused me of domestic violence, bringing up past trauma
– Used what I said to you in confidence against me, violating my trust
– Lied about your partner to me, instead of just being honest about not being interested
– Stated “I’m always a friend if you need one” with no intention of honoring that commitment
– Stated “You’ve been messed around a lot” with no intention of expanding on that. Why would you decide to mess me around further if you were seemingly aware that I’d already been through enough?
– Took actions that lead to over corrective punishments putting a huge damper on my interpersonal life
– Judged me very harshly without knowing me very well
– Wasted a bunch of my time with mind games and a blaring lack of clarity
While most of this occurred years ago, I understand that people can and do change overtime. You might be wondering why I have a list, and to be honest, this list has helped remind me why I shouldn’t reach out throughout the past five years. I can’t expect you to read my mind though, and I’m not sure you realize how much your actions have hurt and affected me. I have felt afraid and stuck throughout the past 5 years, almost waiting for a sense of resolution or something to take away from these experiences. I have my own take away, but perhaps there is something you could like to add?
I don’t know how you feel and would never claim to, but I ask myself why these things happened all the time. I would ultimately like to move on, and if you would be kind enough to acknowledge the pain you have contributed to and provide closure, I would greatly appreciate it. With that being said, if there are any ways I have personally harmed you, feel free to give it to me straight. I’m not a fan of subtleties, passive aggression, or the psychologically abusive silent treatment, and I value feedback that aids in self improvement. I would like to learn and grow from these adverse experiences. This is my perspective, and I acknowledge that it could be, in many ways, self serving, so feel free to let me know if I missed anything or got anything wrong. It is hard for me to fathom the amount of cruelty in your actions, and maybe I am giving you an opportunity that I shouldn’t. If I hurt someone, I would want to be made aware of it and given the opportunity to learn from it and become a better person though.
I don’t know how to interpret you asking for a 5 year restraining order or allowing it to expire. If you could clarify your stance in your own words, that would be great.
If you don’t respond within 3 weeks, I am going to take a guess that your intention was to manipulate me through the use of the silent treatment, and I will not respond to any messages after that time frame to preserve what little sanity I have left over these issues. That is a firm, clearly communicated boundary, and I ask that you respect it. If we cannot properly communicate in a mature manner, I see no reason to continue attempting to find resolution and reach a sense of understanding in this broken relationship. If your commitment to misunderstanding me is so strongly ingrained that you find this effort to communicate purposeless or harassing, then I do not see how you value me as a human being or ever valued me in any way, and ask that you simply block me. Also, my name is Rory, and I ask that you respect that. TYIA. ”
I know telling someone you hurt them might put them on the defensive, but this is what I’ve come up with. I’m thinking about sending it in a few weeks, but it might completely change in that time frame. I’m not sure being that straightforward or accusatory is a good idea. Any thoughts?
I know some people are saying I shouldn’t bother…..and I’m not honestly sure how I would feel if someone sent me something like this. Is it a terrible idea?