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The Restraining Order Expired

by imissyou

I feel a little less burdened right now, but I have the overwhelming desire to contact the person who had the restraining order.
This is what I would want to say:

“Ms. XXXXXXXX,

I hope this message finds you well. I am choosing to reach out to you with the hopes of gaining a sense of closure, but I would also like to provide feedback to you. Ultimately, I would like to give you the opportunity to explain yourself, and I ask for the favor to be returned.
It’s never too late to apologize for the following harmful actions you chose to take:

– Referred to me as “manipulative” to my mother while I was at  the hospital like the silent treatment isn’t manipulative as hell. If you don’t believe I was in the hospital, there are medical records. My illness is well documented.
– Started a rumor while I worked with you that I slept with a coworker on the job
– Gave me the silent treatment (emotional/psychological abuse) for around 6 years without acknowledging a reason why or offering an explanation. Do you just not have a good one?
– Falsely accused me of harassment when I was looking for closure
– Got a permanent 5 year extension on a restraining order that I had no say in
– Got me banned from one of my favorite places
– Stereotyped me as violent because I have a mental illness
– Deadnamed me to police and through the court system multiple times
– Isolated me from friends and family and halted my transition via legal proceedings
– Called the cops and accused me of a crime that resulted in me being tortured
– Accused me of domestic violence, bringing up past trauma
– Used what I said to you in confidence against me, violating my trust
– Lied about your partner to me, instead of just being honest about not being interested
– Stated “I’m always a friend if you need one” with no intention of honoring that commitment
– Stated “You’ve been messed around a lot” with no intention of expanding on that. Why would you decide to mess me around further if you were seemingly aware that I’d already been through enough?
– Took actions that lead to over corrective punishments putting a huge damper on my interpersonal life
– Judged me very harshly without knowing me very well
– Wasted a bunch of my time with mind games and a blaring lack of clarity

While most of this occurred years ago, I understand that people can and do change overtime. You might be wondering why I have a list, and to be honest, this list has helped remind me why I shouldn’t reach out throughout the past five years. I can’t expect you to read my mind though, and I’m not sure you realize how much your actions have hurt and affected me. I have felt afraid and stuck throughout the past 5 years, almost waiting for a sense of resolution or something to take away from these experiences. I have my own take away, but perhaps there is something you could like to add?

I don’t know how you feel and would never claim to, but I ask myself why these things happened all the time. I would ultimately like to move on, and if you would be kind enough to acknowledge the pain you have contributed to and provide closure, I would greatly appreciate it. With that being said, if there are any ways I have personally harmed you, feel free to give it to me straight. I’m not a fan of subtleties, passive aggression, or the psychologically abusive silent treatment, and I value feedback that aids in self improvement. I would like to learn and grow from these adverse experiences. This is my perspective, and I acknowledge that it could be, in many ways, self serving, so feel free to let me know if I missed anything or got anything wrong. It is hard for me to fathom the amount of cruelty in your actions, and maybe I am giving you an opportunity that I shouldn’t. If I hurt someone, I would want to be made aware of it and given the opportunity to learn from it and become a better person though.

I don’t know how to interpret you asking for a 5 year restraining order or allowing it to expire. If you could clarify your stance in your own words, that would be great.

If you don’t respond within 3 weeks, I am going to take a guess that your intention was to manipulate me through the use of the silent treatment, and I will not respond to any messages after that time frame to preserve what little sanity I have left over these issues. That is a firm, clearly communicated boundary, and I ask that you respect it. If we cannot properly communicate in a mature manner, I see no reason to continue attempting to find resolution and reach a sense of understanding in this broken relationship. If your commitment to misunderstanding me is so strongly ingrained that you find this effort to communicate purposeless or harassing, then I do not see how you value me as a human being or ever valued me in any way, and ask that you simply block me. Also, my name is Rory, and I ask that you respect that. TYIA. ”

I know telling someone you hurt them might put them on the defensive, but this is what I’ve come up with. I’m thinking about sending it in a few weeks, but it might completely change in that time frame. I’m not sure being that straightforward or accusatory is a good idea. Any thoughts?

I know some people are saying I shouldn’t bother…..and I’m not honestly sure how I would feel if someone sent me something like this. Is it a terrible idea?

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28 comments

mayhem1 8/17/2020 - 12:32 am

I think you’re better off accepting some cold hard truths, at least in my opinion:

1. If she never explained herself it’s because she didn’t care if you understood.

2. Many people “act” like they’re interested in you and your life when they first get to know you. However, unless you gradually form, over time, a MUTUAL bond with this person which isn’t damaged by drama or mistrust, then this initial “act of kindness” means nothing.

3. Both decent people and narcissists/sociopaths will act like the above. Decent people will simply walk away if it doesn’t work out, but sociopaths will try to destroy you.

4. Don’t kid yourself, if she was a sociopath six years ago she probably isn’t much different now.

5. Read about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s embarassing marriage/divorce details. Which party is the toxic one there? I’d say both, but if it were Amber Heard who screwed me over I would NEVER wait around to hear an apology. Let’s face it, some people are all about themselves and don’t care who they hurt.

6. Bottom line… your ex is a bad person. There’s nothing she can give you now. Villains exist and they selfishly ruin lives. End of story, now move on and find happiness. You’re not in jail, you don’t have a restraining order over you… you’re free! Enjoy your freedom and forget about these screwed-up types. Stay away from anyone who seems like that going forwards.

TheJoors 8/20/2020 - 4:02 am

That’s not even an ex, that was her boss, someone she looked up to etc…. ?¬?

imissyou 8/23/2020 - 2:13 pm

Stop referring to me as “she,” I’M MALE.

TheJoors 9/7/2020 - 1:29 am

Autocorrect, I’m very sorry.

muspelhem 8/17/2020 - 1:20 am

She wants nothing to do with you. Accept it and move on. She has no duty to talk to you, and complaining about “the silent treatment” is ridiculous.

judge_me_i_do 8/17/2020 - 1:33 am

Sadly, having been in similar situations, what I have learned is that no matter the intent of your message, the sincerity and honesty of it, it will be met with silence or defensiveness.

The other person cannot see your perspective or understand your pain. He/she will only interpret what you say the same way he/she interpreted things the way he/she did in the first place.

People are blinded by their perspectives that come straight from their emotions. Everything they do is justifiable to them. The words you have written would most likely be met with disbelief, contempt, and disdain. He/She would be astonished that you see things the way you do, for they cannot. Because of this inability, nothing you say would make it better, and most likely, anything you say would make it worse.

Speaking your truth and reaching for resolution often just reignites smoldering embers that could rapidly rise into full flames all over again.

As hard as it is, the peace and resolution you need now must come from within, not from without. I wish I could say you could find that peace once and be done, but unfortunately, it will continue to rise and fall over and again for a long time. For me it has been over 20 years and I still have to claw my way up, again and again.

Empty Husk 8/17/2020 - 2:14 am

Kinda harsh dude. People need closure even if they have no responsibility to do, moreso if they’ve been wronged or if they had a previous relationship.

muspelhem 8/17/2020 - 9:54 am

Nah. Everyone here is stroking his already inflated ego. How resistant to reason do you have to be to keep pestering someone after they got a five year restraining order against you? It’s men like him who give us all a bad name. And he’s not even a fucking man – he’s a woman who thinks she’s a man.

Empty Husk 8/17/2020 - 10:08 am

Seems to me this is more personal and you have beef with this guy. Any reasonable person wants closure though I do agree there’s no point bringing up past hurts or blaming people. It’s just going reopen old wounds if he insists on “demanding” answers.

Best case scenario is just to ask for closure, bury the hatchet and move on with life. If they didn’t give a damn in the past, it’s clear they’re not gonna give a damn in the present.

muspelhem 8/17/2020 - 10:12 am

I don’t get why you’re adopting his perspective. It’s clear from his multiple posts about this person as well as his username that he fundamentally fails to understand and accept that other people have personal boundaries that he shouldn’t cross. Even when they have been communicated exceedingly clearly to him, he still wants more clarification. This is not about “closure” – it’s about a pathological inability to accept others as individuals and to respect them as such.

Empty Husk 8/17/2020 - 10:18 am

Again I have no idea of his (or her if she’s really just a lesbian) previous posts. I simply assume he wants closure. I’m not here to argue, this is a suicide site where people who are broken and down on their luck vent. Imagine if what he/she is saying is really true, you just practically told the person it’s HIS/HER fault that they got behind bars over false accusations, that they’ve been isolated, driven to the point of suicide, rejected.

It amazes me that even here, when we have an understanding of what it means to be depressed (real depression, not EMO “I want to cut my wrists coz I’m an angsts teen depression”) and suicidal, people are still fucking vicious to each other.

The world and year might have changed, our knowledge might have increased but I can still see that we’re still vicious predators by nature.

muspelhem 8/17/2020 - 10:39 am

My life sucks too, okay? And part of the reason it sucks is because of assholes like him who don’t respect boundaries. How do you know his victim isn’t suicidal? You’re all deriding the victim as a sociopath etc. without even knowing her.

Empty Husk 8/17/2020 - 10:56 am

Again, this seems personal. I’m not gonna get dragged into this. Good luck to both you.

muspelhem 8/17/2020 - 11:24 am

So because I disagree with you, it’s “personal”?

Empty Husk 8/17/2020 - 5:22 am

OP just ask for closure. Don’t let her explain herself, don’t bring up past hurts or accusations, just tell her you want to bury the hatchet and tell her that you want closure in all of this no matter whose fault it is.

If you want peace of mind, asking for closure is the way to go but I don’t think bringing up the past and accusing the other is gonna help. It’s just gonna reignite old wounds and most likely (knowing women) they’re gonna pounce on your weaknesses emotionally to hurt you more.

I’d say you want to talk to her but want closure instead. That’s the best advice I can give. Let God’s (if He exists) hand do the rest. Sooner or later it’s probably gonna bite her back if she really is at fault. Easier said than done, I know. It’s hard to move on when you see that the people who wronged you have prospered in their lives.

Remember that forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you. Again, easier said than done when you’re on the receiving end. Im battling with unforgiveness myself when I’ve been shit on and abused for far too long while the perpetrators get away with it.

thehusk 8/17/2020 - 7:56 am

Let it go!, let it go!…etc.

Of course it’s never that easy, but it doesn’t sound like this will bring you any real closure. What’s to stop it becoming just more proof in their mind of your ‘harassment’? At this point your problem is not whatever this person did to you, but the undeserved space they’re occupying in your brain. Can’t tell you how to resolve that, but I don’t think the answer will involve further contact with them.

imissyou 8/17/2020 - 10:42 pm

Assholes like you are why I delete my posts….I had this username before I even knew her.

imissyou 8/17/2020 - 10:50 pm

If you’ve never been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you can take your judgment and shove it up your ass.

https://exploringyourmind.com/silent-treatment-psychological-abuse-disguise/

I’m literally on a suicide website…..and you are concerned about her?
Like I’m some terrible monster. Watch me end it tonight.

imissyou 8/17/2020 - 10:56 pm

FACTS: I haven’t spoken to her in years.
FACTS: I’m on a suicide website because I am suicidal.
FACTS: My feelings never fucking matter. I came on here several years ago to find support. 2 years ago, I deleted all my posts. Now I’m going to again, and FINALLY FUCKING DO IT. YOUVE PUSHED ME OFF A LEDGE HERE.

imissyou 8/17/2020 - 10:58 pm

NO ONE IS INFLATING MY EGO….PLUS YOU WONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT SOON ENOUGH.

I WONT HAVE AN EGO IF IM DEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD.

TheJoors 8/20/2020 - 3:53 am

Face it, man! All this crap you put yourself* through? She doesn’t care about why you’re angry! She isn’t abusive for saying no to communication, just like a girl in a different situation isn’t abusive for telling a guy no to sex. You aren’t entitled to her time. You’re going to get in more trouble.
Why can’t you be a respectful gentleman and leave this lady alone?
You have more life to live than this self pitying shit parade. Shame!

imissyou 8/25/2020 - 10:07 pm

Please do not project your feelings onto me. If you read what I wrote, I never said I was angry. I said I am afraid and feel stuck, which is a completely different feeling.

TheJoors 8/20/2020 - 3:57 am

And nobody’s pouncing on weaknesses here except you! It’s terrifying, being stalked. You have no idea. Quit making a fool of yourself, she’ll never perceive you like you perceive yourself. You see someone hurting. She sees a stalker. It isn’t deep, no “This is what the relationship means” no, “This is how I hurt you,” none of it! Leave her alone and take responsibility!

imissyou 8/25/2020 - 10:05 pm

Double standards. I have to take responsibility for her feelings and fears that are not rooted in evidence and/or logic, but she gets away with hurting my feelings in multiple ways on multiple levels. How is this fair or ethical?

It should go both ways or it’s a load of crap.

Also, already took responsibility for whatever vague thing I unintentionally did to her when I went to jail. I’m asking for specific information. Is making a phone call really harassment? How was that harassment? So I shouldn’t call people because it’s harassment? That’s the closure. I’d love to actually see a list like this from her! Saying oh “he harassed me” is bs once you actually unload all the implications and ramifications.

I even left room for her to correct me if any of that is incorrect because if you didn’t read what I wrote, I already know that it is self serving….just like her narrative that I harassed her is. If harassment has nothing to do with someone’s intentions and is solely based on someone’s feelings, how can it objectively exist in the first place. Like get a grip.

TheJoors 8/20/2020 - 3:58 am

Yourself as hurting*

imissyou 8/23/2020 - 2:05 pm

I did not put myself in solitary fucking confinement. Thanks for being such a jerk to a torture victim. I would honestly just like to make sense of it all. If I was stalking her, I would probably be able to tell you where she lives and/or works. I’m not that interested. I would like a legitimate explanation as to why I had to suffer. If she can walk around and blame me for her feelings, why can’t I. Double standards.

imissyou 8/23/2020 - 2:08 pm

How is this pouncing on weakness?

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