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There’s no getting out, is there?

by Empty Husk

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and wanted to isolate myself as some recluse monk free from the real world. I even wanted to leave my girlfriend because it got too much for me handle. Well, all according to plan or so I thought but the person in charge didn’t even let me try monk life and I was out by the 3rd day because they don’t accept “depressed” people. I thought that was the end of it and my life was over but my brother then got me to church and had me in a group. Unbelievably things were turning around as I made a new circle of friends, tried my darndest to forget the past and live life anew. I even got my online job back and was making decent money again to live out my dreams of finally being with my girlfriend as I wanted to marry her and start a new family to forget everything. We even had plans to marry May on 2021. I was hanging by a thread and the only thing holding me together was my gf and soon to be fiance as she was the only one left from my previous life.

Well all according to plan and going good right? Nope! Why that would be way too easy? There’s no way you’re gonna escape this! Why should God or some cosmic force decide I not suffer anymore and screw further with my life? As soon as things are turning okay my mother dies months later as I get my job back. It was devastating to me. I saw how she suffered in the hospital when doctors couldn’t figure out what her disease was so had loads of needles and machines attached to her. Things got so bad that she acquired a hospital pneumonia and had to have tubes inserted down her throat. I saw first hand how she was writhing in pain due to all the needles and machines inserted in her body.

Then 6 months later, I find out my gf’s been cheating with one of her old classmates as they formed a Chat Group on Facebook Messenger with their elementary batchmates. What set red flags for me was her attitude changing and being bitchy/naggy all the time, trying to start arguments over nothing and making issues out of thin air to shit test me. My autistic analytical mind definitely thought something was up and found out she has been cheating by sending lovey dovey messages with one of her classmates. She forgot I had access to her account as we gave each other’s passwords as a sign of each other’s trust and “openness”. Mind you, this former classmate of hers already has a child and impregnated many women out of wedlock already. In short this guy is a fuckboy. Learning the lessons from the past, I didn’t take too kindly on this so I saved as many screenshots as I can and printed 20 copies each and passed them on to her family and friends to make sure I’m not getting screwed again like what my friends did to me. Needless to say she got found out and is too ashamed to talk to me and now avoids me like the plague while blocking the fuckboy in an attempt to “remedy” the situation (she got a mouthful from her parents. They didn’t like the fact that she was cheating with a fuckboy).

Just as life was turning for the better I’m getting screwed again. Those feelings of loneliness, bitterness, sense of being isolated, being alone with no one to love and wanting to just die just to get it over with is creeping back in my mind. In short my friends had a falling out and left me, I am feeling suffocated and isolated, my mother dies in a horrible and excruciating way and found out the fiance which I’m supposed to marry cheated on me through social media messaging apps. What’s the point of going on? My girlfriend was the last thing holding me together but even that has been taken away. It’s as if God or some cosmic force has decided to just shit on me and make me as some personal amusement that my life should suck and that I should suffer no matter what I do. I don’t even want to live anymore. What’s the point of going on? There’s really just no escape once you get in, is there?

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thesadgrape 12/21/2020 - 11:25 pm

Hi, I want to tell you that I understand your pain. Maybe my saying this is useless maybe it isn’t. I don’t relate to your situation, and I can’t promise that it will get better because I don’t have the power of knowing the future. I can say that I understand. It probably doesn’t mean much, but it’s there, and if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I won’t be able to fix your problems, but i can listen.

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