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This Episode Is Out Of My Control…

by raiderlover2004

I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.

I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of so easily. I was terrified.

My depression had never reached this level before. I sat in my bathroom, washing my clothes just to be sure I didn’t bring home the virus with me. I stared at a pair of scissors I sometimes impulsively cut my split ends with. And I so desperately wanted to use it on my skin. But I held myself back.

This episode didn’t last too long, maybe a week. I sat on my boyfriends floor and went through the internet looking up methods of suicide, and stories. Everything I could. I felt so far from myself in that moment. I went home and watched suicide short films, one of which made me cry so hard I had to hold my stomach. I was so lost in this mindset that I couldn’t think about anything else.

But then a couple of days later, after I’d went to my boyfriend with these thoughts, he said something to convince me that I had a reason to live. And it worked.

But that reason isn’t working anymore.

I’m terrified of how much I don’t care anymore. It’s not like last time. This is so much worse. I’ve deleted all my social media, I’ve developed a plan. I’ve been stocking up on pills, researching all around the internet for information. I’m trying so, so hard to find a reason to stay. I’ve gone to every option for help that I can. Nothing is working. I’m running out of time. And I just don’t know what to do.

I need some drastic help because a week from now I might not be here. A week from now I might by lying breathless on my bathroom floor.

And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

 

 

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3 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 8/7/2020 - 8:30 am

Maybe it would help to talk about what you are feeling and try to work out the why. I find that writing it all down as a rant seems to help me a bit in the short term to organize what I’m thinking about.
It’s impressive that you were able to hold yourself back from cutting, I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way but I was clean for about 7 years and relapsed, it can be very difficult sometimes.
Get some sunshine and some exercise, if you want to talk about it we’re here.

T.here_is_Hope 8/7/2020 - 4:33 pm

Raiderlover2004, you mention that you’ve had these thoughts your entire life. May I ask if there’s something that triggers these thoughts? I commend the fact that although you’ve had these thoughts your whole life, as you mention, that you have been strong enough to hold yourself back from actually doing it. This means that something is actually holding you back, although you may not see it.

What are your interests? What do you enjoy doing?

mountaingoat 8/7/2020 - 11:17 pm

That’s intense alright.

All I can see here is you’ve got to learn to not squirm away from these feelings like you want to. I think you’ve got to learn to just let them be. When they arise, know they are there, and know they are just feelings. And especially, know they will pass.

That’s all it is, by your write up there, it’s just a feeling. It’s not like you are 55 years old, your partner left you and took everything and you’re homeless now, or any of these horrible situations people may find themselves in in life.

It sounds like you have a good boyfriend that can help you. Some people, if you go to them with these kinds of feelings, can be very unhelpful and don’t want to hear it and all that. You said he helped you.

You’re experiencing some intense, painful, psychic (in the sense of relating to the soul or mind, rather than paranormal) phenomenon. This isn’t going to be permanent, don’t let it scare you out of your life.

That kind of thing might be more common than you think. You sound young. If so, welcome to the world young lady. This is a part of what we are talking about when we say humans are fucked up.

Stay strong. Find your equanimity in this storm of negative feelings. Don’t let it rattle you. It’s possible to do. It’s just a feeling.

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