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by thehusk

What do you do when you’ve made connecting with others impossible? When you entire existence is a dirty secret. When every positive encounter you have is contaminated by the knowledge of what would happen if they knew the truth. And you can’t ever risk anyone knowing the truth.

I may be a monster, but I’m still human. I still have the same drive to escape isolation, to seek out company and fellow feeling. To feel accepted, related to, understood.

So there’s this constant nagging demand within me to reach out, to somehow breakthrough the wall that separates me from others. But there’s no way of satisfying that need – of bridging that chasm. The people who can relate to the real me are so tiny in number, and they’re all terrible people just like me. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone like me.

It’s a funny kind of torment I’ve created for myself.

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SleepyAtty 9/11/2020 - 9:13 pm

if it counts, I would hang out with you despite whatever demon is tempting you. you’re not going through with whatever it is, which means you’re a good person. sometimes it’s best not to tell, and I’m sorry about that. but understand that the willpower you have to keep ignoring the itching urge, it’s impressive. I’m proud of you for not letting it get the best of you.

thehusk 9/12/2020 - 1:45 am

I appreciate you saying that, but not fully giving into one’s demons is not the same as ignoring them. They’re just channeled down less terrible paths (these days.) But it’s still plenty bad. I’m not a good person – just less awful than I might’ve been. And mostly what’s keeping me from going there is fear – of feeling even worse about myself, and of consequences.

I have very little willpower or self-restraint – I will reliably cave every time. My demons have a total grip on my mind. It just seems I’ve learned that following them past a certain point only leads to more misery.

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