I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that disappearing from all of it was an option. I remember the first day I thought of it clearly. I even made a feeble attempt that day as well. Nothing happened from it other than being told that “that was stupid”. The irony of that is it was an alcoholic parent that told me that, The same parent who talked about killing themselves throughout my teen years. We were expected to feel guilty about that. It was just desire to get attention in my mind.
Well since then the idea of making myself disappear has been on my mind every day of my life. Some days it is very slight, other days it is hard but bearable, and other days it is crippling. Well, I’ve tried not to make my feelings an attention getter and just keep them to myself. It has only been so overwhelming twice in my life that that was not possible, but I am satisfied that I never really used it as a way for attention and pass guilt. My feeling has always been that I just want to “disappear.”
The actual act of taking my own life has horrified me. My own fear of physical pain that may accompany the process has been a deterrent, and I’ve not really thought through a painless method where I could be reasonably sure of success. Once I came close with CO, but luck (bad or good for lack of a choice of words) stopped it. Using medication has not really been a viable option as I heave learned by doing my homework that most people survive that but end up with a destroyed liver. I’ve also tried pointing a loaded firearm at myself and I could not stop shaking. I’ve never wanted to do anything that could possibly harm someone else so I really have not had options.
Well, I’ve tried for the last 15 plus years to see if my health can take care of that. All that has happened is I have diabetes and am overweight. No luck here. I was hoping something could happen with COVID, but again no result.
I have figured out what I would like to happen when I disappear. I had to have foot surgery for a complication related to my diabetes and I felt nothing during that time I was under the anesthesia. I was in a deep sleep without any dreams. Maybe that is where we go when we pass on…..
Well, I am just feeling this overwhelming sense of doom now. I’ve done nothing to harm myself but I it feels like something could happen soon, and not by my own hand….Is that wishful thinking or what? I do not know…