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Fail

by OldCow

Just wanted to say it to the universe.  Thanks… Thanks so much for making sure I fail at everything.

Nothing like being 60, in a dead-end entry-level minimum wage job because you have failed at every other job you have ever had.  Only my sister is left in my family and she hates my guts because I am completely disgusting in her eyes.  I am short, fat, ugly, and stupid.  I can’t even look at myself in the mirror most days.  I am married to a man that won’t be seen in public with me, but he is more than happy to have me be his maid and cook. How would you feel if you were married to someone that ignored you every day unless they want something?

Everything I do, I fail at.  I literally have to throw away so much food because I am a horrible cook.  I don’t even have a hobby because I simply suck so bad at everything. It is just an exercise in frustration to do anything.

I have no talent.  Can’t sing.  Can’t dance. Can’t play an instrument.  It takes me 10 times longer to do anything than any of my coworkers because I am old and stupid.  I am such a failure that my dog does not even like me.

Why do people like me even exist?  I should have been aborted in the womb, my family would have been better off.  My dad wanted a boy, but instead, he got me and was disappointed in everything I did.  My mom discovered that I was ugly and pointless at an early age and made it very clear that she was also disappointed in everything I did, and everything I was.  Imagine, if you will, being 14 years old and having your dad sit you down and tell you that you had better figure out how to be self-sufficient because no man was going to want you.  He was being honest, and he was right.  I am only married now because my husband just wanted someone to talk at (not to, at), and someone to wash his underwear and cook for him.  I have no expectations of him.  He does what he feels like doing because I am of no consequence to him, no value, nothing at all.

I just want my life to be over but I am too much of a chickenshit to end it.  I know I would even screw that up and make things even worse in my life.  So, universe, do your worst. Or, maybe I should say please continue to do your worst to me.  Please do it soon.  I am so tired.  Failure just sucks all the energy out of me.

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4 comments

amtrac63 9/20/2020 - 4:14 pm

I feel just the same.Im on my own,all i have is work and Im surrounded by people who want to hurt me.Every time Ive tried to come out into the light,someone has put me back in the dark.Im 57 now and I know I have no future but loneliness.

OldCow 9/20/2020 - 8:11 pm

Yup, right there with you. The thing is that they just ignore me back into the darkness. Or they just decide I am too old and throw me away.

Virus.Found 9/20/2020 - 8:13 pm

Hi.! I can see where it all went wrong… If you get discredited for being you at such an early age, that messes you up completely. Going into a spiral of just becoming that, what everyone expected you to be. I’m in a situation like this currently.. I’ve been called stupid and lazy because I’m not good at anything. I’m not smart enough to have a well-paying job and just a simple sentence you say to me can just knock me back down, whenever I at least have tried to get mentally okay. I’m really sorry people have treated you like this and continue to do so.. That husband of yours is living the best life.! Without you, he’d be lost, so don’t sell yourself too short 🙂 My brother doesn’t even know how the washing machine works, he always messes up doing the dishes and so on. Yet, he thinks he’s the biggest king of us all and we’re just stupid peasants. Like really, it’s as if our Dad hasn’t messed us up enough, now he gotta act like him.? Wouldn’t it be nice if you and I just got a piece of that confidence and self-worth, that those people feel.? You’re not talentless, you haven’t found the right thing yet. There’s many people who can sing and many who don’t, so what.? I can’t dance and cook for sh*t so I felt that. I mess up the most simplest dishes and I feel bad for throwing food away. I wish you good luck on finding something, you can be proud of, hang tight.!

Anonymous92 9/20/2020 - 8:22 pm

Well, one thing is clear. You’re not “stupid”. Perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation counts for something.

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