I do not want to create drama, nor do I want attention. Well, maybe I do want attention, but I am not going to do anything stupid to get it. What I want to do is just disappear. Disappear from my disappointment in myself, from disappointment I have caused for others, and from disappointments I will most likely continue to cause.
I’ve felt this way for at least 45 of my 58 years. Possibly even longer. I was around twelve years when I realized this was a feeling that I would face every day. On good days I could easily put them away in a mental compartment. On not so good days I would have to fight them. On very bad days I felt almost crippled. I never tried to medicate these feelings away with drugs or alcohol, nor did I act out with fake suicide attempts or other attention getting things. Yes I had a couple of times when I truly thought I was ready to do that twice. Both times I ended up getting myself to the emergency room which resulted in a few days stay in a psych ward.
Well, I am at that point now that I either need to go to the ER or figure out an effective plan. I do not want to create drama for those around me ( I have kept how I am feeling from my wife) I just want to disappear…. I am wishing instead of the ER and Psych ward that I could find some sort of hospice if it were available. Ideally I could then just go to sleep. But, such a place does not exist..