I do not want to create drama, nor do I want attention. Well, maybe I do want attention, but I am not going to do anything stupid to get it. What I want to do is just disappear. Disappear from my disappointment in myself, from disappointment I have caused for others, and from disappointments I will most likely continue to cause.
I’ve felt this way for at least 45 of my 58 years. Possibly even longer. I was around twelve years when I realized this was a feeling that I would face every day. On good days I could easily put them away in a mental compartment. On not so good days I would have to fight them. On very bad days I felt almost crippled. I never tried to medicate these feelings away with drugs or alcohol, nor did I act out with fake suicide attempts or other attention getting things. Yes I had a couple of times when I truly thought I was ready to do that twice. Both times I ended up getting myself to the emergency room which resulted in a few days stay in a psych ward.
Well, I am at that point now that I either need to go to the ER or figure out an effective plan. I do not want to create drama for those around me ( I have kept how I am feeling from my wife) I just want to disappear…. I am wishing instead of the ER and Psych ward that I could find some sort of hospice if it were available. Ideally I could then just go to sleep. But, such a place does not exist..
1 comment
Man, this sucks. Being depressed from such a young age and just waiting for the day to get better. I guess it doesn’t turn out fine for some people, there’s always something wrong with our minds… It’s like you said, it feels crippling and so many others couldn’t understand it. If I ever looked around in a classroom, I noticed that of course, the others had their problems but I felt like I was just that one depressed kid. And if someone were to meet me after all these years, I would not be able to say, that I’m not still that kid. Not sure, what kind of hospice you’re referring to, but there’s always different choices, but I guess it depends on the area. I’ve had day-clinics and stationary options. I hate them all… You need so much strength. Also maybe it could help you talking to your wife. Then you’d have someone to just say: ‘You know what, I’m not okay right now and I need to talk about it or just hug.’ I do this with my Mom (I know, how pathetic), when I’m on the edge of it all and it helped in a drastic moment. Feel better pal 🙂