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I know i’m a newbie here, but i’m always here if anyone needs an ear.

by Her0Reb313

Honestly, I have a lot of shit on my mind. I have my own weight. But I mean what is a man if he can’t carry some of his neighbors weight. I’m not religious by any means, I just know it’s the right thing to do no matter your own personal life. You gotta sometimes hope to chance that they don’t have it as bad as you do, or vice versa.

I’m not a politics kind of guy. I’m not a sexist kind of guy. I’m just a guy that knows that whatever is IS anymore.
You gotta either learn to live with or learn to leave that HURT behind. You can’t have both!

I’ve lived a life full of regrets. And i am mostly ever nostalgic anymore, about everything. About then, about the now, about what might be.

I just have this overwhelming sense that it’s an end of an era, but I don’t know what.

I thought real hard about it and I feel like apart of me just wants to finally die..

Die while i’m conflicted of who I am before I ever realize I am more the devil in my story than I am redeemable.

Then I realize I am dying.. apart of me is literally dying inside and i’m so fucking distraught about it that it’s eating me up inside and I can’t help but to express myself anymore. I want to die, but not in the way you think. I want to die and be better. I want to die and be reborn.

I know i’m a newbie here,
but that’s just how I feel..

I know my personal burden is… I can never die.

I’m forever expressing myself and I can only dream to taste what i’ve touched,

It’s someone elses reality now. I’m just the shadow, the whisper in the backround for as long as you need me.

If you need the ear, i’ll be here.

2 comments
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2 comments

sgiksw 9/12/2020 - 4:30 am

I dont live in reality.i live my life online and it is sucking the life and soul out of me. Or maybe already has. I do not like or want it but im addicted to the internet. We all are.i wish there was a way to live without it. I know what you mean about dying. I feel like i could die tomorrow, like a gun is at my back and someone yelled…go! I have so much i havent and wont be able to experience and it saddens me greatly, im very depressed. I have no money, my health is shit, i have zero support and encouragement, i cannot motivate myself because i get distracted by useless online stupidity.

Her0Reb313 9/13/2020 - 7:11 am

I think that is true for many people these days. What is a little ironic about your reply is that i’ve taken steps at a “Cyber Suicide”. I think if we killed out Cyber Selves before we ever killed our physical selves we would have much more of a chance at survival. I’m addicted too.. I’ve been addicted to technology ever since Nintendo. Ever since Dial up and whatever was the popular websites in the 90’s. I’m an internet kid, teen, young adult, into my early 30’s. I’ve had my fair share of real life moments, and my second life, but i’ve reached an awakening in my life. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad just yet. I’ve terminated my facebook (thanks to an acid trip that opened my eyes), and i’ve been less distracted, more focused, and the less garbage I see the less immoral desires i’ve had. It’s all just extra baggage to out already natural stresses.

I suffer from ptsd from something about a decade and a half ago(school shooting). For the first 10 years I was able to withstand all that my mind was able to conjur up and dish out at me but the accumulative damage has piled up over the years. I’m not broken but I am very tired. I know being mentally exhausted can lead to weak thoughts and lately that’s been the boat i’ve been drifting in.

I can never die. I say that because so far it has been true. Anytime I have attempted to take my own life some blind moment of divinity occurs and I am still here.

Since the last time I attempted to take my own life I was gifted with the ability to Lucid dream and i’ve treated it like a superpower. Although, there is a certain place in my dreams that my powers are rendered useless.

My mind is at a place of conflict, and lately I feel like i’m losing control over abilities i’ve had for a long time. I feel like sometimes I am fading from myself, but I also feel like..Metamorphosis. Something is changing but I don’t know what. I’ve been in my own head for months and it’s difficult to pretend that I am present anymore.

I keep asking myself if my depression and anxieties have finally taken over but I deeply feel like it might be something else. I’m an open minded person so i’m giving this familiar feeling the benefit of the doubt until it becomes to overwhelming.

I like to think my mind is stronger than I actually let on. The creeping feeling is that I’m slipping away from myself, and I cannot recognize it anymore. The recurring thought of “how will i be remembered” is far to relevant anymore. It’s like my subconscious mind is planning my death without me.

I’ve only discover this site a couple days ago. and here I am bleeding my thoughts through my fingers to strangers. I don’t know if that’s a clue.. And if it is i’m not sure what it means.

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