I tried to pretend to be fine in my last post but I really just think I’m at the edge of the cliff. I’m trying therapy, but honestly I can’t think about anything besides killing myself. I’m giving it till the new year. I’ll give it till then, see if anything helps. But my boyfriend is at the end of his rope with my mental problems even if I put up with his anger shit. I’ll let everyone have one good last Christmas then I’m out. I sincerely have no goals, no motivation, I cannot do this anymore. I can’t pretend to be okay anymore. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I can’t pretend that every time I get in my damn car that I don’t want to drive it straight into the wall. I’ll try to see if therapy can do anything, if I change my mind but I sincerely just can’t handle my brain anymore. It’s trying to kill me and it’s succeeding.
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4 comments
Hello,
I’m sorry it has come to this feeling.
What I can tell you is,
The feeling will pass..
You WILL feel better. I promise you.
There will come a moment in your life that you have a separation from feeling, from thought, from everything you’ve ever known..
The detachment will guide you to feel as if there is not better solution, but there is.
The are younger souls who seek meaning that we can’t even comprehend ourselves as adults.
Like a chalk board drawing.. Our words here will last forever, but they will come to pass.
If you are open to therapy, the book Maybe You Should Talk To Someone is easy to read and insightful. I borrowed a copy from my library on the Libby app. I don’t want to give too much away but about three quarters of the way through the author, Lori Gottlieb, starts breaking things down really well.
Have you ever thought of running away from your life? Invent some cryptic lie about a family emergency, take off from work and just drive. It’s possible that your state of mind is due to a toxic environment (you mentioned bf’s anger). Killing yourself is one option. Running away is another, less final one.
A more blatant reply.
You need to leave your boyfriend. I feel like much of how you feel stems from that.
Instead of giving yourself a date,
how about giving yourself an actual shot at this thing called living?
You deserve that much.
The devil on your shoulder always offers the easy solution.
It’s the difficult route that rewards you the long run.
Leave the motherf***er. Live your life. Move one. Allow yourself a chance at happiness.