Most days I am here, but not here. I’m always here to listen, to try and understand a perspective that is not my own. I sympathize deeply for I am a natural empath.. I’m like a level 3 empath and I don’t know if that is a curse or a blessing because sometimes I tap into other peoples self conscious way of thinking and it just annoys my anymore.. As if I don’t have my own tedious problems to worry about.
Usually, since my early 20’s i’ve been someone who really keep in shape (because I was obese growing up, and I was bullied, and humiliated so I vowed never to become that again), but lately I have fallen into a relatively long-term depression which has lasted roughly half a year. I don’t know if covid- 19 and having to mostly stay home has anything to do with it, or if I am just coming to a sudden realization in my life..
I’ve had this distant feeling for years and years (because of trauma from a school shooting in 2005), I have acknowledged that I haven’t been the same since my best friend did what he did, and how I was the one to take the blame.. I blame myself for a lot of things since then, and many things weigh on me, but I still think about that alot.
Mostly, anymore, i’ve been pretending to feel this or that when I’ve been numb inside and out for years, but more so in the last few months.
My friendships/relationships are deteriorating, my work life is fading, and my relationship with the person closest to me I fear becomes more phony by the day. The thing about her is,, she’s the last good thing i’ve got. (My friend)
The love life is non-existent anymore.. By choice.
I think one thing that has given my a glimmer of hope recently was experimenting with LSD, and getting completely lost within myself. I thought I was going to die and in that moment I was afraid. Not afraid of dying but not being able to say Goodbye.
I clung onto anything that was myself but I felt my spirit slipping away from my physical self. And in that moment I had a realization that I wasn’t holding onto myself, but I was holding onto what I thought was myself. I became and echo of all the bad things that made me feel sick to my stomach, to all the things that made me feel lost… I was detached, but not in a depressive sense anymore.. I was free.
The thing that sort of sucks since that experience is that I can’t feel like that all the time. It revealed an entirely new perspective to me. (I’ve started singing in the car and not holding back when someone pulls up to me at the stop-light, i’ve started waving at complete strangers, i’ve started smiling at pretty women, and helping old-timers when I get the chance). I don’t want to die an asshole.
Just because someone rubs dirt on my names, broke my heart, or shames me for my past doesn’t mean I can’t have a future, or grow, or change who I am.
I hate being depressed. I hate juggling the idea of life or death around in my head. I hate how weak I can be at times. I hate how I am my own worst enemy..
I’ve come to realize, that life and or death is not the only options, but, disappearing.. starting over. Anything we’ve ever known could become a repeat if we find the strength.
It would be death in a sense, but in essence it would be a second chance.
Some of us fantasize about witnessing out own funeral.. But what if we could witness not our own death, but out own re-birth?
Me? Personally, i’ve juggled the idea of a bullet in the brain(or heart) or a bottle of pills and whiskey for far too long. Frankly, i’m tired of that sick sad old fantasy.. I want a second chance with the knowledge that i’ve aquired… I don’t want to risk the chance of there being nothing and not being able to try again. I want to TRY again while i’m still relatively young. I want to be someone else with what I know. I want to love again somewhere else. I want to get to know in myself, the someone else.
If I could, i’d take you all with me. I know i’m not the only one.
If I could, I’d take you all with me to the unknown.
P.s. Somedays I just want to start over. I know it’s possible because IT IS possible. There’s just a strength in leaving all that i’ve known behind.. i’m not sure I have it. Someday I might. Someday I might just disappear and become someone new.