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Reason Is The Slave Of The Passions

by thehusk

I want so many different, conflicting things. Delusional things. Terrible things.

Rationally, I know they will not make me happy. But that doesn’t change anything. Because I don’t believe anything could make me happy.

So my mind is consumed by one fantastical obsession, then the next, and on. Always attempting to escape from the awful reality

I try so hard to maintain some kind of internal coherency, some sort of balance. But the truth is there is no ‘objective me’, detached from all the delusion. I am the most disgusting sociopath you can imagine, and also the most innocent idealist, all within the same head.

My reasons for not killing myself are emotional. My reasons for wanting to end myself are also emotional.

I can’t be otherwise. I have no ‘self-control’. There’s no ‘self’ to control. Just these whirling, raging, maddening emotions, like cats fighting in a sack. What will I do next? Which will win out, from moment to moment? I can predict, based on past behavior. Probably I won’t start randomly attacking people in the street. Probably I won’t suddenly become super-functional and get a high-powered job. Probably I will continue on deteriorating, as my emotions tear me apart.

I can predict, but I cannot control. And yet I must also maintain the delusion that I can somehow regulate this churning sea.


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rivets 10/1/2020 - 3:08 am

I think the only difference between people like you and I, and the ‘well adjusted’ among us, is that you and I are not sublimated into the delusion of constancy that is the self. We are aware that the delusion exists, and that it is a delusion.

Her0Reb313 10/1/2020 - 3:44 am

It’s funny how we as people create false currencies and we abide by them like they’re gospel.

Delusions, illusions, intrusions.. Sometimes I feel like the only private place we have anymore is our minds.

I’ve developed a bubble world. When I am lucid that’s where I go.

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are more real that this life anymore. That’s my struggle.

Her0Reb313 10/1/2020 - 3:41 am

Based on your text, you’re definitely not a sociopath, so you’re safe in that regard.

Personally, we are all a bit fucked up. I think many of us just don’t admit these feelings because society tells us it’s wrong, that we will be crucified for it.

You don’t want to kill yourself, and you’re certainly not Dexter..

I hit rock bottom.. a few times. Attempting to end my life, a few times. I think the last time I felt like there was nothing left to lose I had this sense of fuck it. And I tried something new. I thought to myself, since I am ready to die how about I get into a fight.

So I went to the boxing gym (normally, i’d be afraid of the thought of fighting someone else well trained, but I didn’t care much). I got there and everyone was very welcoming, very humble, open to accepting a stranger into their dojo.

I was a weight lifter and a runner; a depressive mind who takes care of his body.

The coach approached me and asked me if I wanted to train. In my mind I just wanted to punch someone in the face. I trained. I think I trained so hard I was finally able to silence my demons. I hit the mitts, bags, sparred. My demons weren’t hurting me in there, they were helping me. I welcomed the punches, the blood, the chaos..

I left that day feeling euphoric.. I remember walking home in the rain with the taste of blood in my mouth. I realized I had a dragon inside of me. I’ve been training and fight ever since.

I’m not saying it works for everybody. But if how you explain yourself is accurate we have some things in common. You might be missing something in your life. Thrill. I think we all seek thrills. Hence, attracted to taboo ideas, sickening ideas,.. You might need to let off some of that steam in the form of chaos. (Not attacking people in the street chaos).

You might just unlock that inner warrior within.

ps. I know that distant feeling. That feeling that keeps your up all hours of the night, and somehow you’re still awake during the day. You fantasize about everything you’re told not to do. You might not be those things but your mind want them, only because it’s an exotic thought to you, something that is considered wrong.

It’s okay to be a rebel at heart. Just don’t act on anything that harms others.

Otherwise Dexter WILL come for you 😉

thebends 10/1/2020 - 3:29 pm

Is there anything that you can focus your emotional power into? Anything at all (except destructive thoughts). I understand your ‘whirling, raging, maddening emotions’ and I’m probably a hypocrite for even trying to give advice. But it works for me sometimes. At the moment I’m aphabetizing my cd collection, it’s keeping me from killing myself for the next hour or two. Might calm down by then. Is there any chance this might work for you?

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/1/2020 - 9:39 pm

And so life carries on. Regardless of impulse, regardless of needs, wants, or obligations. Obsessive thoughts just blunder away, threatening to take us here or there, on a journey that would oh be so wonderful and horrible. Delicious delirium. Gosh sometimes the violent delirium just fills that void that wanting to put a gun in my mouth leaves.

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