I miss sadness. Sometimes I think I might be addicted to the Idea of it. That feeling of being so internally dead, that nothing matters anymore. You no longer care what others think of you, they’re irrelevant. You no longer feel material attached to things. The constant thoughts about life and existence.
Sadness has another side to it though of course. The constant emotional pain that physically aches, the sudden panic attacks that arise late at night, the hated of seeing how happy and carefree everyone seems around you.
Being addicted to sadness almost feels like a Stockholm syndrome. I always feel more at home when I’m sad. Instead of busying myself with pointless distractions, like when I’m happy, I do nothing more but stare at myself in the face. And try to look at life exactly as it is, without any mental filters. I miss the carelessness mindset of the world.
So maybe, I don’t miss “sadness”. . I’m starting to think sadness itself isn’t what I miss at all, it’s the abandonment of wants and cares that I miss.
I wonder if anyone else here has kinda liked this aspect of sadness. After writing this, I looked up addictions to sadness and found that it’s much larger of a phenomenon than I expected.