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stop

by thehusk

Parts of me want so badly to stop. That hate what I’ve become so much. But this stubborn resistance refuses and clings to existence. So I post here, in an attempt to relieve that feeling for a while. So for a time I can pretend that it’s not hopeless. In hopes of feeling a little less alone. Sometimes it works.

I’m not a cutter – generally averse to injury of any kind. But something to interrupt these feelings – this despair – that appeals right now.

This state will not last. In a few hours, it will have been pushed down again by some form of distracting dopamine. The reality will be suppressed, until tomorrow morning. When I will again spend hours torn between the savagery of my psyche and the exhaustion of my self-image.

I need a personality transplant. This one has no future. Tear it out, and replace it with one that doesn’t respond to reality in such a dysfunctional way.

I’m not constitutionally capable of reform. Too damn stubborn. The rot runs too deep in me. I refuse. I shall cling to my misery, even as it tips me toward annihilation.

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Virus.Found 9/9/2020 - 5:38 pm

I freaking feel that right now. I’m having some sort of episode, where I’m just mad at everybody and everything and I don’t know what to do, to distract myself. But if I do, I get lost in this kind of distraction, I’m probably going to be stuck there for a few days, not answering to my friends or generally not thinking about my future. A personality transplant would be great. Just being an ignorant @ss towards everything, just so I don’t have to feel so hopeless of feeling everything at once..

Pagan 9/10/2020 - 3:36 am

This was triggering to read. I don’t want to be contacted about this.

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