Fear of suffering. That’s my primary drive and motivation. But if that’s the case, why isn’t ending it the rational choice? If there’s probably no existence beyond death, and probably no monotheistic God to punish me, and probably nothing I could do to avoid such punishment anyway, then…why am I enduring this? I’m suffering, and my suffering only gets worse as I age, and continuing to live risks exposure to really terrible suffering.
But part of me is resistant to that logic. I fear death. This animal wants to survive, and replicate. Even though death is inevitable, and replication extremely unlikely.
Suicide seems the obvious choice, at least from a purely self focused point of view. Ending my suffering versus significantly increasing the suffering of family. But I can’t even seem to bring myself to make that choice. The irrational attachment to life is still to strong.