The Feeling In My Stomach Has Nested There

I don’t think it’s going to go away anymore. This feeling of despair and anxiety has taken root. It will not leave me. For the next two days my college will be having a career fair. I went last year. Over the course of those two days last year, I actually felt confident about my chances. Then it came time to apply and I dragged my feet as usual and only ended up applying to around 3 or 4 of the 9 companies I talked to. None of them offered me an internship. I think the motivation for me to try and get an internship was more for the sake of not going back to my last internship I had. I remember how useless and pathetic I felt when I walked into the office. I felt infinitely tiny compared to all the big things going on. I didn’t want to go back so I needed to go somewhere else. However, now I realize that I will be infinitely small where ever I go. Each one-on-one is five minutes. I’m terrified. Why do I bother trying. I feel like nothing. I am nothing. I think I might throw up again. I did yesterday before I presented. Afterwards it took a few hours before I went back to normal. It’s very strange. In those times of peace, the feeling of fear seems so far away. In those times of anxiety and fear, the feeling of peace seems so far away. I hope I die soon. My mind just isn’t good for it.