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Toxic cycle

by orianainthepast

I have BPD. Every few weeks I get angry at my boyfriend (Without a real reason) to the point that I break up with him and I tell him really hurtful things. I’m 25 and he’s 22, he’s really understanding all the time and he has the sweetest soul I’ve ever met. He knows that I have bpd and I’ve tried to push him away many times because I’m scared to hurt him. Everytime I have a breakdown I break up with him and block him on every social media and the next morning I regret everything I said and feel really bad. Honestly I don’t want to break up, but this is happening so often, it’s like I can’t control myself at all when I tell him hurtful things and break up. Yesterday was the worse episode I’ve had with him and I called him names and I kind of made fun of him. He’s really angry at me. I just don’t know if it’s for the best to accept that he’ll be better off without someone like me in his life and let him go. Because knowing myself at this point, I can’t even promise that I won’t do this again to him, and in an even worse and more hurtful way. It sucks to admit that I’m scared of myself and scared to hurt him. Anyone has some advice? Pls


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freeroma 9/21/2020 - 4:11 pm

You need to separate yourself from him every time you feel this happening. You may not be able to control the mood, but you can damn well control who you’re around when you start feeling like this. Make a random account on social media that you message (like your own private discord channel) that you can write out these things or a separate email account that you can send these things to instead of him.
Being aware it’s wrong, being forgive for it doesn’t make the continuation ok. If you can’t even promise him you can’t stop then you need to leave him alone and let the breakup be final.
A specialized therapist will probably have more concrete advice on how to work through your breakdowns without causing fallout. He probably could use some therapy too.

rivets 9/21/2020 - 5:00 pm

I have similar issues, but mine are PTSD related, I think. Hypervigilance can make a person really annoying and abrasive. I try to distance myself when I feel the urge to say/do stupid things ill regret, but its hard fighting that impulse. We all screw up. I think learning to forgive yourself goes a long way towards reducing the chances of making things worse when you do slip up.

Anonymous92 9/21/2020 - 11:06 pm

Are you this way with only him, or do you have the same toxic cycle with others? Sometimes certain personalities trigger us just by who they are. Even people you love. I guess what I’m saying is you can’t necessarily blame bpd, or even yourself. It could be that you have opposite personalities.

I had a relationship like that for 5 years on & off. When we were on, it was bliss. When we were off it was vicious. Overall not worth it.

darkwillow 9/23/2020 - 2:36 am

If I’m understanding this right, this isn’t at all fair to him. Are you able to control your other personalities? If not, I agree with freeroma that you need to seperate yourself when you’re like that.
But if you do feel like you have some control still when you’re personalities start to split, take control. Hes not the one you’re angry at.

If you imagine a future with him, you can’t just seperate yourself everytime. It’s not possible. You’ll have to find a solution. Maybe a psychologist knowledgable about BPD. I know no one likes psychologists, but if you can’t help yourself with it, you’ll need to find someone who can help. After all, it sounds like hes worth the effort.

freeroma 9/23/2020 - 4:59 am

I actually disagree with the separation every time.
There’s been more instances than I wish where I feel what OP describes and I’ve never taken it out on my SO, even living together. I leave the house, leave the room, get space and vent elsewhere but it does not get directed at him.
He’s said stupid things like “I don’t mind if you take it out on me” but that’s not healthy.

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