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by kill_me

My cousin aka my rapist just got engaged. There are posts all over fb from him and my relatives. I texted him. I congratulated him on the first sentence. Then I told him I still remember everything. He said he was young and stupid. He’s regretting it and everyday he prays to God to forgive him and give the strength to apologize to me. How can I forgive him when he raped me so violently?

I begged and begged but he didn’t listen, he still raped me. I have DID and because of that I got three more alters. How can I just forgive him and forget everything when until now I still can’t be the same as I was before. When I still can’t sleep, when I even had to drop out all because there are boys in college and they might take advantage of me when I have an attack. This is bs. He’s an asshole for even asking me to give him another chance. He said not to close my doors on him. Asshole.

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darkwillow 10/12/2020 - 8:57 pm

After reading this post, I’m assuming you never reporting him, or told many people about it.. I think you should.

kill_me 10/24/2020 - 5:33 pm

Yeah only few of my friends know. I didn’t tell anyone else because I was scared my dad would stop supporting that side of the family. Financially lol. Now I still don’t regret that decision. I don’t want attention. And there are a lot of stupid people out there who blame the victim and idk honestly I just think it wouldn’t be healthy for me if it goes public.

- 10/12/2020 - 9:04 pm

“I even had to drop out all because there are boys in college and they might take advantage of me when I have an attack”.

You mean when you dissociate? Yeah, I know exactly how that feels. I’ve known for a long time that if I were a girl someone would have taken advantage of me a long time ago due to my Korsakoff’s, or prefrontal lobe damage, whatever this is, there are huge gaps in my memory that I don’t even remember because I have confabulated memories filling in the blanks, and I would never know if someone raped me or not…

I wonder if people at least understand your situation. I wonder if they make fun of you for your legitimate concerns or leave you alone and actually respect you protecting yourself and don’t just rabidly pile on more shit.

kill_me 10/24/2020 - 5:35 pm

Yes when I dissociate, have panic attacks. Lol our situations are different yet still similar. During the times I’m out there’s just a huge gap in my memory and I so hate that feeling. It’s just so hard to trust people right?

Her0Reb313 10/13/2020 - 4:29 am

My ex was raped (by her then current boyfriend). She confided in me and it really bothered me for a long time. She didn’t tell me right away into our relationship and for some reason I just couldn’t stop thinking about it when she told me.

We had really great sex. And her being my second girlfriend it felt very sexually experimental after my first relationship. Even before I learned of her being raped, just because of the aggressive nature of the sex that we had (that she introduced me to), I felt like it was something she liked before we met. It never occurred to me that it was something that she was unintentionally reliving but also hating herself for until one day she finally broke down and admitted to me.

We met with a sexual abuse/rape therapist together, and I learned a lot about rape victims and how the blame and abuse themselves.

She told me she didn’t want me to react in and “outward” manner because of it,, because I knew the person who had raped her, and she was afraid I was capable of killing this guy because of what he did to her.

I know what it does to a person because I know what it did to my ex-girlfriend, someone I still care about. I don’t know how you feel but I can tell you that I care about you, and I 100% back you on the disgust you feel for you cousin.

Upon reading this, and ALL posts on here, I try to see things from ALL perspectives..

Personally,. I believe ALL people can change. That there is always a way to come back from the darkness. I have to believe in that because it’s just encoded in me.

But, I just know how deeply and sickening that feeling is because of my ex, and i’m and extreme empath..

Your cousin is a dick wad who deserves the worst of all nightmares that becomes a reality.

I hope someday you can look up and see the bright blue sky, the white puffy clouds and be able to think clearly and happily without having to relive your past in spontaneous glimpses.

(Easier said than done, I know).

kill_me 10/24/2020 - 5:46 pm

Thank you for this. Before I told my boyfriend about it I also thought he might kill the guy. I have DID and two of them were created during the rape. They told my boyfriend everything because I don’t really have memory of that night. Sometimes I see light being flashed into my eyes and my boyfriend told me it’s because my cousin was checking if I was still alive. I only remember that and just opening my eyes, me lying in bed feeling sticky and dirty, with my bed wet. I tried to see if I peed it turns out there’s blood.

He raped me violently I know that. That’s why I just think he would really kill the guy. Lol I mean there’s just too much anger in him. He said he felt sick when my alters told him. And that he needed to talk about it with someone else. So he talked with my bestfriend.

Thank you for what you said. For saying you care. I hope too that someday I won’t have attacks and nightmares. I hope that I’ll be complete, when my alters are gone and I am just me.

postalservice 10/13/2020 - 4:47 pm

You don’t have to, and it’s okay to empower yourself by cutting him out.

The bastard.

kill_me 10/24/2020 - 5:48 pm

I’m just speechless at what he said. He actually had the guts to tell me those things.. I am totally cutting him out of my life now. Won’t see him ever again.

postalservice 10/13/2020 - 4:49 pm

Saying, “I was young and stupid,” places blame on you for being a woman in the heat of the moment. Inexcusable. That isn’t a genuine apology. I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

postalservice 10/14/2020 - 3:19 am

He moved on from what? He was “young and stupid,”
Not a person that needed reform. A more empathetic person would have worded it differently.

postalservice 10/14/2020 - 3:21 am

You dont know her?

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