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by Piratemermaid

My husband raped me. Twice. I can’t tell anybody because nobody would believe me and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. I can’t leave because I am unemployed and don’t have any money. I don’t want him to get in trouble. I want things to work out. I realize how stupid I sound. He just told me he’s been hiding thousands in credit card debt from me. This is the second time this has happened. He’s been lying about it for at least a year. The last time I wrote on here about him, somebody commented that I should “just talk to him and stop sending mixed messages.” I’ve tried. We’ve been to therapy. I was diagnosed with Borderline and I’ve tried to give him all these books and articles and videos so he can learn how to help me, but he hasn’t done any of the work. He’s got ADHD and I’ve talked to him about it and am constantly looking up information to learn more about it to help him. I keep telling myself if he wanted to help, he would. But he hasn’t. I don’t really have anywhere to go or anyone to go to. It’s either stay and be miserable until I die or leave and be homeless and miserable until I die. So I guess I’d rather pick the lesser if two evils.

The only thing keeping me alive are my cats. One of them is sick right now and it’s been causing me to have panic attacks. When I tried to die the first time, this cat stopped me before I could go through with it. I feel like I’m going to fuck up somehow, and I literally owe him my life. I just wish I had someone to talk to that cares.

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mynameisstan 10/30/2020 - 6:17 pm

hey i am new here. this website came up when i typed life is fucked up at 3 in the morning. read through some post. read a few posts of yours as well.
and i just thought how about i text you and we have a conversation if you would not mind. i am not sure if i’ll be much help or anything but i think having one to one conversation with a person is always much better

Soda 11/2/2020 - 3:29 am

What about going to a woman’s shelter? If you’re able-bodied then you should consider getting a job that will allow you to have independence and leave him.

If you can’t work is there any state benefits that you can apply for so at least you have your own income.

Chances are that if he raped your before he’d probably do it again since he knows you have nowhere to go and your life could get worse. So it’d be best to try to get away from him before he makes you suffer even more.

My family had a couple of lovely cats but they eventually passed away. While I like animals, I wouldn’t keep them because they’re too much of a burden and hassle to look after imo.

It seems many of us here are in our own little hell-holes that we’re trying to get out of. My issue is not having enough money right now. While I’m doing better than I ever have been, it’s really not enough but I’m working on changing that and I believe I will succeed in a year or so.

One thing I’m glad about is that I don’t have any stupid delusions or engage in magical thinking like the religious people do. There was a time I believed in Jesus and thought he’d do something for me.

Then in my teen years I realized it was all bullcrap and only we can save ourselves. Unless you are lucky and have people in your life that can do something for you.

Even when you have a job like I do, you begin to hate being a slave to the company. I like my freedom and hate working for others but unless one becomes rich then there is no other option apart from suicide or homelessness and I’d rather take the former if I was forced into that decision. Best of luck to you.

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