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friends?

by marmo

i want more friends that i don’t feel alien from. that can relate to how i feel or at least know what it’s like to almost die at ur own hands. idk. these days i can’t help look back to the mental hospital bittersweetly at how things were so the same everyday, how the people were all the same in a way. in the real world everything is so suffocating, no one really wants a mentally ill person in their friend group or working at their establishment. they want someone who pretends not to be. i’m so exhausted

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Hazy Day Sunflower 10/6/2020 - 4:33 am

Me too, utterly exhausted. I have to pretend I am just fine daily. Just to make it through work. I get to work early, before other people in case I just start crying for no reason. That way I can clean up before other people arrive. I’m there to do a job after all, not look like I just stepped out of a funeral.

Everyone is faking it on some level. No one is okay. What I do is spread out what I need amongst folks in my friend group. One person gets this tiny part, another gets this tiny part. I spread it real thin and over time. I schedule it. If they all got together I’d be in dire straights because on some days I am in no shape to even walk out that front door let alone do a demanding job.

Mental health is work. Hard work. Surrounding yourself in a social mental illness bubble feels good, but doesn’t solve anything. I come here to blow off steam. To just be raw, but truthfully? You are completely right, no one wants a mentally ill friend or family member 24/7. No one. I’ve come to terms I will never find anyone willing to put up with the shit show that goes on inside my head. So I parcel it out and when things get overwhelming I come here and just vomit out all the filth I have been stuffing. That is what this place is for, right?

And sometime I get zero comments, sometimes I get an amazing number of comments, but in the end I remind myself that what this is, unfortunately, is a solitary journey. I suffer alone, I thrive alone, and ultimately I will die alone, either on my own terms or by surprise because a car ran me down. Either way the journey is over.

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