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hopeless

by thehusk

I’ve made connection impossible for myself, through my actions, and what I’ve become. But large parts of me don’t realize. They go on longing for something that’s hard to define. The ability to relax and be myself around someone. Intimacy. To truly care for someone other than myself. To be known, understood, accepted, loved, as I truly am. To be ok with another person. To be acceptable.

But I’m not acceptable. And I never can be, regardless of what I do from here.

So I’m continuing to live because I’m afraid of dying. But my mind is driving me crazy, desperately grasping out for any way to make a real connection, when it’s just not possible. A real life is not possible. I live a twisted kind of shadow life. Still, I can’t say I don’t deserve this.

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4 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 10/20/2020 - 9:03 am

You have so many secrets, I’m sure it’s hard to find connection when you aren’t yourself.
I tend to connect with people quickly and the stop, drag people in and then keep them at arms length until the go away or just stay there not getting any closer.
Relationships are a pain in the ass. Good luck.

thehusk 10/21/2020 - 3:33 am

I suppose that’s preferable to just having no connection whatsoever?

muspelhem 10/20/2020 - 4:06 pm

I listened to an old Mick Jagger interview on YouTube. He said “I don’t try and be nice or be nasty (…) just try and be reasonably polite”.

Maybe you find it hard to relax around others because you are trying to be what you think they want? Instead of just being honest.

The problem with being yourself is that it feels scary if you’re the conflict-avoidant type and if you’re used to working hard to present youself in a way you think will be palatable to others.

The upside is that it allows you to relax and connect with people.

thehusk 10/21/2020 - 3:31 am

Unfortunately, real honesty just isn’t something I can risk. Anybody who knew the truth would run a mile.

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