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I can’t look at myself anymore

by outinthedark

Every time I look in a mirror I don’t recognize myself. I see someone who isn’t me anymore. I feel like I’m just here, hiding inside this body and it isn’t me. It isn’t me anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can last. I really don’t. My boyfriends best friend constantly asks him to hang out with her and her boyfriend and I don’t know if she just purposely excludes me or he just doesn’t want to bring me. And I am struggling so hard. So hard to keep it together. I’m pretty certain he’s just embarrassed of me now and I can handle it. He never wants to show me off online, he’s stopped bringing me around his friends because I’m shy. I can’t do this. I really really can’t. I’m not myself. I’m living in someone else’s body parading around, pretending to be okay. I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t. Why do so many people I don’t want to care, have to care. I really fucking hate it.

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elephantswim 10/26/2020 - 10:57 pm

I hate platitudes, so I’m not going to give you that. What you are going through is real, your feelings are real and valid and they are yours. Somebody smarter than me will probably chime in a say something that really really helps you, either here or somewhere else. Just keep looking for that person smarter than me who knows the right thing to say.

When I look in the mirror its a shock every time. Just no idea who that guy is looking back at me. He’s old and strange looking. I know its me, but is it? Yes and no. My only out is to play music, write something to someone (real or imagined).

I sure can’t say what our lives will be like in the future. I’m just going to stick around and see if that same old strange guy is still here tomorrow. Maybe he’s smarter than me.

hateself 11/1/2020 - 1:28 am

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r5WeAmEVW8o

It’s ok to be a trainwreck, if you feel like shit right now then that’s ok. If you need a good breakdown or a long cry go for it. Life is hard, you’re trying that’s all anyone can do. Most people will either never see nor understand the struggles you face, but whoever you’re with I hope they find your trainwreck to be the most beautiful trainwreck that ever was and if they don’t maybe it’s time for a change.

I don’t know you and I don’t what your going through but if it’s any constellation, many people are emotional disasters barely holding together with duct tape and facades of being ok, myself included.

With that being said don’t be afraid to let the front down every now and then. Someone might even see and be able to say, I know what you’re going through, you wanna go through it together

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