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I failed

by CARLOSPEJUAN

My first big assignment and I blew it.

I failed again. I failed to turn in my homework on time. I failed to prioritize what I needed to do first. I failed myself. I failed at life. At least my symptoms arent flaring up. At least I’m not falling straight into psychosis. But, still. I’ve failed. The meds made me soo tired i basically slept through monday and tuesday and by the time wendesday came I was already late. I found this guy under the miniclips in the WAP video. I can relate so much to him. I hate how  the system doesn’t work. Everything from hospitals to prison it’s broken. America is awesome in many aspects don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that could change. I just wish things got better globally. I just wish things got better for me perpetually. I just hope things get better for the guy in the video. I feel so alone. The group where I was supposed to meet people with schizophrenia who I could relate to and not have to lie about my condition and about being disabled ended due to this pandemic. There is no group therapy other than over the phone. And it isn’t the same. Thus far I met one person on it. Which I am thankful for, but it isn’t what was planned.  I’m so scared of failing school and being just another dropout. I’m so scared of letting myself down. I’m so scared of having a relapse. To the point where I actually make it to my appointments on time and I don’t ask for a lower dosage of meds. I’m terrified of getting corona. That is no way to go. It is a cruel virus. It is so cruel. I feel so powerless.

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