I Just Feel Like Talking

I don’t really have any real reason to be posting right now. I just felt like emptying out my head a little bit. This past week has been rough. I scrambled to get an assignment due on time, I keep getting awful grades on these dumb quizzes every class time. I found out all my reports have been getting low grades. Everything just seems to be sliding in a poor direction. I’m not particularly upset about it, because I don’t really have the right to be upset. I gave a shitty effort and got back shitty results. I don’t pay attention in lecture, I do things at the last minute, I’d rather sleep than work on anything. I would just rather be doing anything else. I think I mentioned before that if I didn’t make anything out of myself by 25, I would kill myself. It is 2 months until I turn 22. I don’t think I will every amount to anything. I don’t think I will ever become something I am proud of. I just think I’m nothing. Maybe that’s why I cling on so hard. I hope that maybe I could be happy in that regard and everything would be ok, but it’s rather pathetic to pin all your happiness on someone else. I can’t even give a good reason why I feel the way I do about her. It’s very hard to understand why I do that. I think the worst thing about it is how it’s unfair to her. To put her up on this odd pedestal. I think it was unfair of me to tell her about this place and who I am on here. It’s like I’m trying to guilt her or something. I mean I doubt she looks at it all that often, so most of the time I still write without any hesitation about what it is I am writing about, but in the back of my mind I sometimes wonder if I’m doing this shit subconsciously. Or maybe I’m doing it consciously since I’m bringing it up. During that period of time when she wasn’t answering for close to 3 months, that’s all I would talk about. I remember getting tired writing about it. Now she still occupies some of my brain space, even when I’m flailing at my studies and what I want to be and all this other shit. At one point you would figure that I would just stop, but for some reason I persist. I think about all those times I had certain feelings towards a girl when I was a kid and how I get through it and all it really took was just time to forget about her. Yet for some reason I can’t do that with her. I refuse to do that. I guess I just don’t know why. Even as I write this and all this other crap, I’m sure what she’s going through is so disassociated with me in the slightest. I imagine all the shit she has to put up with and all the horrible problems she has to face has nothing to do with me. I am so far removed from her life that I doubt I ever really register as a blip on her radar of things to worry about. And I mean I get it. Why would it make sense that I am anything more than some guy she talks to? I don’t know. I just felt like rambling and then it turned into another topic and then here I am. I think I started this post because I was tired of fucking grades and trying to be an engineer but now I don’t know where I went with any of this. I guess what I’m trying to say is that everything would be a lot easier if I just put a bullet in my brain.