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I’m Not Really Sure Anymore

by J Doe

If you still look at this place, you might want to skip this one. Although to be honest, I doubt you do. Not that you don’t care, you probably just have your own problems without adding on to it. This one isn’t about suicide. This one isn’t about depression. This one isn’t about sadness or anger or any of that. This one is just about how I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in my own head. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Is whatever this feeling is inherently selfish? There has to be a point to where all these excuses I make just stop adding up and I have to admit to myself that I just can’t let it go. That this bizarre obsession I have is just another sickness. I’m not even sad or angry that I have these feelings. I just don’t know why I have them. I mean I go to sleep thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her, I stay up at night thinking about her. Logically when I look at it, none of it should add up. We live hundreds of miles apart, there are periods where she won’t even talk to me, I know relatively little about her, in these past three years I have seen her once in person. My mind plays these little tricks on me. It tires to fill in gaps where there are none. It tries to explain why she does what she does and how she feels what she feels when to be honest it’s just really simple. It’s not that she just doesn’t care or that she hates me or anything. It’s that she has a lot of problems and she needs to focus on herself. And I am just a friend she talks to every now and again. And that’s it. Why do I buy her Christmas gifts? Why do I insist on checking up on her every few days? Why do I insist to be closer and closer to her? Why do I ask her questions about herself and try to learn everything I can about her? Why do I tell her over and over again that I understand and that I’m here for her? Not that any of these things are bad (possibly a bit creepy). I’m asking what my motivations behind it are. Is it simply just because I want to be with her or do I honestly want her to be happy? Am I just a selfish prick to try as hard as I do? To try and insert myself in her life when she just doesn’t have any room? I can’t even tell what’s in my head.

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3 comments

Her0Reb313 10/1/2020 - 3:09 am

Love can sometimes be such a tragic feeling. I’m in a similar situation myself.

I’ve drowned myself in this video.

I know what you mean when you say, “I don’t know”.

*Sigh*

https://youtu.be/8LJYTgS9qmc

Experiment with how much she cares. Don’t talk to here for a few day, maybe a couple of weeks,. if she messages you first in that time it at least shows she is thinking about you. It’s hard obsessing about someone and wonder if they even think about you. The constant thought can be torture at times.

Keep you head up, bud.

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/1/2020 - 9:29 pm

I understand, I have been where you are. All I can say is time. Time and doing just about anything that competes with her.

Nina 10/2/2020 - 8:43 am

I’ve been on both ends . Love sucks sometimes. But does she return your feelings? You can’t give away too much of yourself cuz in the end if she doesn’t want you back, ull be left broken trying to put yourself back together again. Protect your heart my friend. Not everyone is worthy of it.

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