If you still look at this place, you might want to skip this one. Although to be honest, I doubt you do. Not that you don’t care, you probably just have your own problems without adding on to it. This one isn’t about suicide. This one isn’t about depression. This one isn’t about sadness or anger or any of that. This one is just about how I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in my own head. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Is whatever this feeling is inherently selfish? There has to be a point to where all these excuses I make just stop adding up and I have to admit to myself that I just can’t let it go. That this bizarre obsession I have is just another sickness. I’m not even sad or angry that I have these feelings. I just don’t know why I have them. I mean I go to sleep thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her, I stay up at night thinking about her. Logically when I look at it, none of it should add up. We live hundreds of miles apart, there are periods where she won’t even talk to me, I know relatively little about her, in these past three years I have seen her once in person. My mind plays these little tricks on me. It tires to fill in gaps where there are none. It tries to explain why she does what she does and how she feels what she feels when to be honest it’s just really simple. It’s not that she just doesn’t care or that she hates me or anything. It’s that she has a lot of problems and she needs to focus on herself. And I am just a friend she talks to every now and again. And that’s it. Why do I buy her Christmas gifts? Why do I insist on checking up on her every few days? Why do I insist to be closer and closer to her? Why do I ask her questions about herself and try to learn everything I can about her? Why do I tell her over and over again that I understand and that I’m here for her? Not that any of these things are bad (possibly a bit creepy). I’m asking what my motivations behind it are. Is it simply just because I want to be with her or do I honestly want her to be happy? Am I just a selfish prick to try as hard as I do? To try and insert myself in her life when she just doesn’t have any room? I can’t even tell what’s in my head.