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I’m tired of fighting this for the last 45 or so years.

by ivygradhc

I’ve written a few posts about how long I have had my depression.   In my case I define my depression as a  strong feeling that things would be better off without me messing them up and it is best that I just disappear.    The act of disappearing obviously would be my life ending by my own hand either directly or indirectly.

As I have noted,  I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that as an option.  Well since then it has been a daily thought in one form or another.  A lot of times it is easy for me to dismiss it and go on with my day.  Other days it is crippling, however  deciding on the means to the end has always been a struggle.   My own fear of physical pain that may accompany the  process has been a deterrent, and I’ve not really thought through a painless method where I could be reasonably sure of success.  Once I came close with CO, but luck (bad or good for lack of a choice of words) stopped it.    Using medication has not really been a viable option as I heave learned by doing my homework that most people survive that but end up with a destroyed liver.  I’ve also tried pointing a loaded firearm at myself and I could not stop shaking.   I’ve never wanted to do anything that could possibly harm someone else so I really have not had options.  They say that there is only one brief moment of pain and then rest.  Well,  that brief moment has kept me out of doing the wrong thing for all these years.

I tried for the last 15 plus years to see if my health can take care of that. I now have diabetes, Atrial Fibrillation, High blood pressure and I am overweight.    Nothing seems to have come of that.  I’ll admit that I was exited about COVID, but my own isolation has not made that any easier.

I just want sleep.   That type of sleep I had when I was under anesthesia for surgery.   I had no thoughts or dreams.  Just a very peaceful darkness with my mind on hold.     Maybe that is what happens when we actually move on out of this life.   I find myself always wishing for that.

Recently with all the mess going on in the world,  my marriage and personal life, and the feeling that any sort of bucket list i have is all futile I am now looking inward to see how I can control my fear of pain, or find a way to accept it.    I also want to say goodbye to those who I still love, but not telegraph my intentions to get attention.   I just want to say goodbye and move on.

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Abnormal.Thoughts 10/9/2020 - 8:50 am

Goodbye is the hardest part.
I’ve heard so many horror stories about people surviving shooting themselves. That didn’t stop me from staring down a barrel, but that trigger seemed so stiff. I don’t know, maybe is the thought of survival and being fucked up afterwards or maybe it’s just too quick and dirty. Anyways, I couldn’t do it and it landed me in some emotionally treacherous places for trying. Not recommended.
That peace and silence with anesthesia is exactly why they should make assisted suicide legal, and encourage acceptance of someone’s choice to leave, it would hurt less if it didn’t have to be such a secret and blindside everyone you care about. Plus they could use it as a way of finding and offering help by having guidelines before you can be put down. There are too many people on the world as it is, forcing people to suffer for others is just cruel.
Anyways, that got off topic a bit. One last thing, marriages have ups and downs like so much else, I wish you the best.

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