I’ve written a few posts about how long I have had my depression. In my case I define my depression as a strong feeling that things would be better off without me messing them up and it is best that I just disappear. The act of disappearing obviously would be my life ending by my own hand either directly or indirectly.
As I have noted, I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that as an option. Well since then it has been a daily thought in one form or another. A lot of times it is easy for me to dismiss it and go on with my day. Other days it is crippling, however deciding on the means to the end has always been a struggle. My own fear of physical pain that may accompany the process has been a deterrent, and I’ve not really thought through a painless method where I could be reasonably sure of success. Once I came close with CO, but luck (bad or good for lack of a choice of words) stopped it. Using medication has not really been a viable option as I heave learned by doing my homework that most people survive that but end up with a destroyed liver. I’ve also tried pointing a loaded firearm at myself and I could not stop shaking. I’ve never wanted to do anything that could possibly harm someone else so I really have not had options. They say that there is only one brief moment of pain and then rest. Well, that brief moment has kept me out of doing the wrong thing for all these years.
I tried for the last 15 plus years to see if my health can take care of that. I now have diabetes, Atrial Fibrillation, High blood pressure and I am overweight. Nothing seems to have come of that. I’ll admit that I was exited about COVID, but my own isolation has not made that any easier.
I just want sleep. That type of sleep I had when I was under anesthesia for surgery. I had no thoughts or dreams. Just a very peaceful darkness with my mind on hold. Maybe that is what happens when we actually move on out of this life. I find myself always wishing for that.
Recently with all the mess going on in the world, my marriage and personal life, and the feeling that any sort of bucket list i have is all futile I am now looking inward to see how I can control my fear of pain, or find a way to accept it. I also want to say goodbye to those who I still love, but not telegraph my intentions to get attention. I just want to say goodbye and move on.