I took a shower. I’ve been working at this assignment that’s due tomorrow. I’m just going to turn it in late. There’s nothing else really about it. I am dreading however working on this thing 24/7 for the next few days though. I think I have developed a fear of coding. I don’t know why I chose this as my minor. I realized in the shower that part of my anger and sadness comes from the fact that I don’t have anyone. I’m so isolated. So when things go sideways, like they always do, I spiral, because I have nothing. I guess a lot of folks go through this during quarantine, but the thing is that’s just my existence. Being isolated. I have no one to talk to. Nobody. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about my problems, my real and honest problems, the first thing that comes out of her mouth is “Are you taking your medicine?”. I know that taking it is important. I know that it will help me. I know I shouldn’t be stopping and starting and stopping and starting and stopping and stopping and stopping like I do. I know that. But sometimes I just want someone to listen. I just want to feel like there is someone that is there. Giving me some robo call response and then saying that’s life makes me feel so empty. Like I’m talking to a hollow shell. Like there is nothing there. I always say that I’ll amount to nothing. I honestly believe that. I’m so numb to it now though. It’s like your lost and you’ve been lost for a while and you take a turn and you see a brick wall there. And you think “Oh it’s a dead end” and you know there’s no point in turning back. Or you are too afraid to turn back or something. So instead you just sit down and stare at the wall. And you just let time slip by. It feels surprisingly numbingly nothingly numb. I feel like I am nothing. It feels painful I suppose.