I really hate trying to get help from people IRL. There are many reasons, but one of them is when someone tells you they know what you’re feeling, that they too have been suicidal. Okay, I sympathize and now I worry about them, but do they really know? When they say they’ve been suicidal do they mean they have wanted/wished things just to end or have they actually found a means and said their goodbyes? I never feel like they truly understand the magnitude of what I’ve said by telling them I’m suicidal, because even when I’m not suicidal I still wish it to end, or think about driving off a cliff in passing. Have they ever walked out of their home and taken one last look, wholeheartedly believing it would be their last? Most likely not. Most likely they have been somewhere along the suicidal trails, I don’t expect they are lying, they just don’t know what it looks like from the top, with one foot over the edge, taking one last look at how far you’ve come and knowing the trail ends here. Mostly I don’t believe they have or they would have a far different reaction to the knowledge that someone is suicidal. Of course, having gone so far myself, maybe I overreact when I hear someone else is suicidal. IDK.
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This post interests me. IRL I haven’t found one person, not one who is suicidal, that’s why I like to post and comment on SP. The real world is populated by the “normies”, they see the world differently, suicide never enters their train of thought, yet for some reason I can’t get my head around they condemn suicide with all their might. This condemnation can only come from a place of ignorance.
I’ve met more people who have claimed they were suicidal than people who actually committed suicide. I’ve mostly every been shocked by the suicides that have happened in my life, family, friendships. It’s almost NEVER by someone who presents or says they are suicidal. It’s almost always by someone who never talks about, or seemingly is happy. It’s fucked with my head a lot because there was one incident where I had planned to kill myself but I got way too drunk and laid out. The next day my cousin had killed himself. I don’t know how to feel about it because all I ever think about is nobody would ever know that it was my PLAN to die on a specific date, but he had a plan of his own and chose a date that was significant to him. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I had just killed myself if he never would have done it because he would have seen what it would have done to the family.
I relate to the part when you say “do they think about driving off of a cliff”, because there have been many times on my commute to work where I have considered driving head on into the next Red Sixteen Wheeler (because of a dream I had).
I think about how painful it would be for my family,. but a relief in some aspect.
It’s a stupid selfish fantasy that still surfaces but I know there are more honorable way to go out than that. Anymore, I believe it’s MY life for SOMEONE ELSE!
I have to pay it forward to the people who saved me as a teenager, who influenced me and gave me a second chance in my early 20’s. Now it’s up to me while I still have somewhat of a youthful mentality and the will to care for other people more than myself to actually do something about it. Still in the process of penciling out the details of my life should stand for,. but i’m getting there.
I leave you with song. Ending of the video reminds me greatly of the context of your post.
https://youtu.be/Yi4ghZdiA3c
“You ever been low?”
Jenny –
“Like depressed? Well, I mean sometimes. But I don’t think about exploding football teams.”
“Jenny, I don’t mean depressed like your dog died. I mean where you feel you have nothing to lose. Whether you live or die. That kind of depressed? You ever been there?”
Jenny – “No..”
“K, well I have”.
Jenny- “