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Such a cost this living

by Hazy Day Sunflower

I’m about done with life right now. Done with being used sexually, emotionally, and financially. My current husband doesn’t seem to understand the word no. So I end up with bruises or traumatized. The other day I had to wear long sleeves because there was a bruise hand print on my lower arm. I had agreed to a little sex earlier in the day for that evening but just wasn’t up to it come night. I fell asleep and next thing I know he was not listening to me. I kept saying “I don’t want to, just let me go back to sleep”. In the end I gave him what he wanted and went back to sleep. I can’t live like this anymore. There isn’t any added value.

I know all the arguments. Do this, do that. Why didn’t you press charge, why are you so weak. I’m weak. I know this. This morning I woke up and life seemed pointless. I’m back on psyc meds just to keep my shit together for my kids, who need me. This is no time to explode our lives.

Everything is just going south. The job I love has become toxic, it was my refuge. It no longer is. I’m job searching but we all know with all the folks out of work I should be realistic.

This morning I considered going and buying a gun, driving to a State Park, getting out of the car, hiking in 10 miles and just sticking the gun in my mouth. Easy peasy. Which is why I don’t own a gun.

My brother has unloaded all his childhood trauma memories on me in the past month, he needed release. I had reinvented my childhood so most of what he told me was brand new to me. Guess I had it worse than I thought, or remembered. At least I have a good reason for my psychiatric issues, right? so there is my silver lining. Kind of puts all the pieces together for me too. My shitty record with men, my inability to connect with important people who love me. My fear of the weirdest things. All my crazy bathroom habits.

Well if you got this far, congrats. You are better than me, I would have checked out at childhood sexual trauma because I just don’t want to remember being repeatedly raped at age 6 and 12 by my own father. But thank you dear brother for telling me how you tried to keep me safe by locking me in your room with me at night. At least I got a few nights off. Not one adult intervened. No One. Only my 8 year old brother who was 4 years older than me, doing his best to save his sister, having gone through similar things at age 4.

So I’m debating the added value of what 10 or 20 more years in this world would hold. I mean is there added value? For you dear reader, I’m sure you could think of dozens for me. For me though? I’m living this, so at this point I’m not so sure. Death would be so peaceful.

HDS

Find where kindness resides, then build your home there.

6 comments
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6 comments

PPPP3 10/2/2020 - 12:50 am

I’m so sorry to hear your sad/traumatic story. Makes me want to cry that your abusers are so unbelievably selfish + evil. But not why I’m writing, this is it, you said why you must go on = YOUR KIDS. And you said what could have changed your horrific childhood=A reasonable + caring adult intervening. You wrote, “Not one adult intervened”.
Ok, so the way I see your current situation is you clearly know what’s right + what’s wrong (Eg. Your husband’s abuse is WRONG! And RIGHT= Your kids deserve a safe secure existence you never had. YOU, now the ADULT have the POWER to accomplish that. It won’t be easy, but with help from others (eg. excellent therapist) it is possible! Set your goals, expected outcomes + just do it. Goals might be: 1. You do NOT deserve any abuse whatsoever. 2. Your kids DESERVE a happy/safe life + Mother.
How u meet those goals is up to you- You= the reasonable adult who KNOWS what’s right + what’s wrong.
I did not include the obvious, Getting rid of your ahole abusive husband, cause only u know if he is capable of changing. (Most abusers are not).
But right now it is not about him- If he didn’t have you to abuse, rape, disrespect, he likely would find someone else.
Fixing him is not your job/responsibility. Fixing + protecting yourself + kids IS your responsibility. Nobody helped you as a child, and Im certain you, now an adult, are more than capable, to do it. Hope you agree.
Cause reclaiming your power is the only way the depression + despair will fade away.
Stay strong + focused. I know you CAN do it.

Nina 10/2/2020 - 8:35 am

Well if it means anything coming from a stranger, hazy, I’m glad you’re still here with us. Imo I think sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Unhappiness projects. You might think that being there for your kids is best, but they notice when their parents are unhappy. I sure did as a child. You need a change girl. And yea unfortunately in this economy it’s easier said than done. :/ but damn. I hope and pray that something better comes your way.

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/2/2020 - 7:33 pm

wow thankyou for both of your thoughtful answers. I was in a really really bad state last night. I always come here when I am in a bad state. Just unload all the vomit that needs unloading. Look around, answers some others posts, then leave. I used to stay for days but mentally I’ve improved a great deal. But yesterday I was just done, done done done. Then I thought…well I’m going to reach out to someone I trust in real life. Someone who I’ve known for 30 years who is always there just to listen. He never judges, never tells me to do anything. He just listens. He listened (well we typed because he lives 1000 miles away) for 3 hours. He gave three hour to me and I felt like a new person. Like the world wasn’t coming to an end. Sometimes we solve things ourselves with a gun, sometimes with a friend. I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of living a pointless life. Therapy is pointless. I’ve done therapy. When it is time to go, I’ll know it. Last night wasn’t the night.

But thank you sweet people. I read both of your posts and I love you for caring about a total stranger.

Find where kindness resides and build your home there.
HDS

tired123 10/3/2020 - 12:01 am

Hazy I dont know if you remember me from a long time ago… But I can honestly say you helped me back then…. You are here for a reason and YOU have been a positive moment in my life. Thank you.

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/4/2020 - 6:37 am

Wow thank you so much. I haven’t been on here regularly in a long time. About two years. Maybe more. I went through a time that was truly awful and hopeless. People back then helped me a lot. Just by breathing around me. I don’t know if it makes any sense, but just knowing there were folks who were in as bad a state as me and still able to walk forward made it bearable. Eventually I started reaching out to anyone who was struggling. I continue to do it now and then. That I have been a positive moment in your life makes walking forward totally worth it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Empty Husk 10/5/2020 - 6:27 am

Sorry that you had to go through that. It really sounds horrible that your own father, who is supposed to help, nurture, protect and raise you is the one who hurt you and abused you the most.

Humanity really is the cause of suffering on this earth. Even the bible speaks that we create hell on earth due to our sinful and selfish ways. I truly feel for you, I hope you find the peace and rest you’re looking for.

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