Today I woke up with an ever so slight hangover, and all I could think about was a meeting I was to have with a boxing commission (Job related). I reluctantly proceeded with my morning routine. Drying my clothes, breakfast, shower, then getting my gear ready for work. I was more anxious about the idea of being late to work and for my meeting than anything. The morning felt rushed, I was multi tasking doing 5 things at once just trying to get out the door in time for my hour long morning commute to work.
I slammed the door behind me and I heard the ding and felt the vibration from my pocket as I was hustling to my car with all of my crap in my hands. I remember feeling too anxious to get on the road to check my phone, so I tossed it on the passenger seat and hit the pedal to the metal.
For some strange reason I just suddenly hit this wave of emptiness. A crow flew across the road ahead of me and I started to think about funerals, and how I buried my grandma, aunt, cousin, and a good friend all within 2 years. I caught the phone lighting up on the corner of my eye. I already had the weary thought of checking it for some reason. I check my phone and notice it’s a text from a cousin of mine. All he says to me is “Hey what’s up guy idk if you know but Jakes funeral is Wednesday”
I read the text over a couple of times and my brain went into logistic mode. I went over all the Jakes I knew, calculated how and or why he of all people would be telling me this (he’s somewhat of a hermit, but his brother knows the same Jake I did). So I asked and got confirmation that it was the only Jake I knew. It’s like my brain was wishfully trying to debunk this notion that MY friend Jake was dead… gone forever.
I was driving to work in complete silence where I would usually be listening to music or podcasts. I felt empty and all I could think about was Jake. How did he die? Did I dare ask? Did he commit suicide? I know he and his girlfriend had broken up recently, and that they had a newborn baby about a month prior.
My meeting no longer was a worry in my mind. I could give a shit less if I was late or not. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around that Jake was dead.
I decided while driving I would look on local news posts online. I found an article that was published in a paper about 40 minles from my town about what happened. From this article I found out that I was hearing the news 5 days after my friend was killed, and that his Wake was starting the day I was heading to work. I also found out that he was murdered in his home… he was shot 10 times.. I just seen him 2 weeks ago. I was at his house and I talked with him for about 20 minutes about random stuff. It’s an ongoing investigation so there are many questions gone unanswered.
To be honest, I haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone. I think i’m just at a point that i’m still trying to wrap my head around it. It’s like I keep telling myself, “Your friend was murdered”. But I can’t really grieve… I’m just fixated on the fact and I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I don’t know if it’s sadness. I haven’t cried. I haven’t reached out to anyone. I don’t know it’s if it’s rage but i’ve found myself thinking about what i’d do if ever I found out who it was who killed my friend. He was a good man. I don’t know why anyone would ever do that to him.
I love you Jake. I’m lucky to have known you for the short time that I had. Those little conversations that we had won’t be forgotten. I’ll miss you. Goodbye.