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Where else but the suicide project?

by Rationalist-Pragmatist

So. As it turns out, I have an incurable disease. I’ll spare you the description and just insert some links:


If you haven’t guessed, that kinda sucks dick. If you haven’t visited the links, I suggest you do so now, otherwise continuing to read will be pointless and any comments made on the matter can presumably be said to be likewise. No, I’m not alright.

If you’ve been reading my posts, or have skimmed anything I’ve written, you’d find that I’ve been struggling for some time to identify a very strange condition which has afflicted me since I was 17. It’s been 8 years now, 8 years of spiraling the drain, and . . . .

Now, I recall an argument I had with a certain duo I knew via gaming console who attempted to characterize my problem with an old routine we all know too well.

“Mental illness is a choice”.

If you’ve read the link, you and any rational person will know, I can’t very damn well “turn off” my disease any more than a human being can organically regrow a severed limb.

But that was the argument I got. Over and over again. Over and over. Over. And. Over.

And it got to the point that it even came down to a metaphysical argument. Now. As follows:

From Google:

“If I decide to order vanilla, the decision results in the firings of many neurons, which are material objects, followed by activity in much larger material objects like the vagus nerve and my vocal cords. According to libertarians, at some point in my neural processes, things could have gone way one or another. I was the one who controlled which way, which means that I controlled how all of this matter behaved. According to libertarians, my choosing vanilla was not determined by anything prior, yet somehow reflects my character, and results in the creation and direction of electricity from pure will”.

From Me:

“That’s a famous argument concerning the matter of what you’ve described, which is libertarian free will.

Now in my words, what you’ve done is taken a set of preconceptions about the nature of free will and determinism and built arguments and uncertainties upon them. These are things that we as a species have no means of proving or disproving.

And ultimately, even if I hypothetically chose to “agree” or “disagree” with your argument, the fact is that based on our current understanding of metaphysics, we actually don’t even know enough to qualitatively measure if someone’s ‘choice’ to believe that the universe is nondeterministic is really their choice at all, or if they simply believe it is because something determined they would in the first place.

You’re trying to extrapolate commensurate conclusions from tangled metaphysical arguments and prematurely assigning applications to the propositions that emerge thereof on the basis of pure speculation when you take it to the point of insinuating someone with say, Schizophrenia could do away with their hallucinations and hearing voices and that nothing is reliant upon the chemical structure of their brains.”

Don’t get me wrong, my friend wasn’t a dumb guy, but. For fuck’s sake. I literally took nearly four hours out of my day to write that out perfectly only to be met with a rebuttal of dismissiveness and a “tough love” justification/bullshit cliché.

“But trust me- If you just wake up everyday and tell yourself “this doesn’t happen”, it won’t”.


…Wanna see a Magic Trick?


For fuck’s sake.


I’ve been told I’m “brilliant” countless times before, yet does anyone ever heed my words? Well, I’m right! Here, at the end of things, I stand triumphant in my emphatic endeavor to not be misconstrued a lazy, stupid, cowardly piece of shit who only hears what he wants to hear! Triumphant, and broken.

For someone of my intellectual capacity, to always be treated as the opposite of anything anyone wants, or as the most commonly available substance on the planet… has always been a humbling experience.

And that’s part of why I find it so infuriating to be accused of lacking humility, especially by those who will never even know what that really is, or how it feels.

Part of humility is understanding that even if I were the most intellectually capable person on the planet, that is not what people want. My “good qualities” are not what others prioritize.

The closest I could ever get, to becoming The Mountain, would be to become an Iceberg.

Clevername- “Being Water… When everyone wants a Mountain”



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CARLOSPEJUAN 10/7/2020 - 5:59 am

I envy your intelligence and ability to convey thought. But this isn’t about me. I’m sorry you are going through this. You don’t deserve it. None of us deserve to have this battle with mental illness. If only there was a cure, if only you could get better. I hold on to hope for you. I mean that’s all we can do. Do you go to school or just work?

- 10/7/2020 - 2:07 pm

“Do you go to school or just work?” Bro I have fucking dementia. I can’t do either of those things.

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