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by just_a_person

It feels as though I’m so alone, without a way out. It’s like drowning, first panicking, then once the water in you, finally a sense of peace. I’m waiting for when the water enters me, a sense of peace which I haven’t felt in over 3 years. I’m scared I’ll do something drastic because I know what I’m capable of.

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heartlessviking 11/27/2020 - 8:46 pm

It is relatively rare for me to encounter someone else experiencing…. well, that. It feels like sitting in a room and throwing a ball as hard as you can away, and it lands right back in your hand. “No way out” echoes through the chamber, as the chaos inside is matched outside.

Death comes for us all, but time being relative it can be quite slow in getting around to finishing the job. Then here we are, creatures of duty, of narrative, longing for a satisfying conclusion, denied that, and thus determined to bring it about ourselves. It can’t be done that way either. There is no safe harbor, no calm, not for minds such as ours. The best we can hope for is a day when the agony is less. Don’t ask for what you know you can’t get.

You can, if you so wish, have something else. Push for it, and something other than what is now will arrive. It probably won’t feel better. Eventually either you come to a point of acceptance, or a point of madness.

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