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I have No hope left, And Nobody here to help me

by Im-Random

Hey, I’m 18 y/o I went through shit In my life I’m Muslim and Gay and Diabetic and Mentally ill and Unstable. Because No body Knows About my mental issues I couldn’t Go to a therapist, So I searched online for some test Wish. I found one wish Seemed Very Detailed, Professional and True It took between 20-25 min to finish it. I got the Results They where:

1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 33%
3-C-PTSD: 72%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 94%
5-Panic Disorder: 44%
6-Panic Attacks:38%

I was a Bit shook I thought I might Get higher Results. I Had A “BF” well I thought He was. He only wanted me for sex I was Ok wish it as long as I can see him. I’m suicidal But I cant do it Cause Its prohibited In my religion. I have to live Like this, I’m That kind of friend that Is good with everyone ever good with people who do me bad. I forgive people And I Keep my feelings Inside I don’t wanna make someone SAD because Of me, I want all of them to be happy even if it means I have to keep it in. That “BF” I told u about I had a Strong feeling for him I loved Him So mush I would Do everything for him Even though we didn’t talk that mush. I have problems In my family. My father Drinks And Always Screams at mom. When I was a Kid I saw Porn In his Phone. I don’t know what was going on in my head when I saw that. My dad and Mom used to fight all the time, They think I’m this angle And I’m good and I know everything and I can take care of myself, But I don’t
I always Thought That there is something wrong with me I have this person In me Idk If Its someone else or is it just me I would Talk with him and Fight With him over why Did I do that And That I wont do it next time and I would beat him, He is called “Feelings” He used to make feel better by telling that I’m good and I’m smart and Get me motivated now When Ever I talk to him He makes me feel worst, I think a lot thats what Led Me to Forget ALOT. I actually forget things Fast REALLY FAST. I would sit Hating on the fact that “I’M GAY” I hate it a lot I never Had someone To love Me and If Someone DID he would prob be someone I meet Online and Not a real friend. People online Love me more then actual people, I told my best friend “That I’m gay” He said Things That Hurt My feelings But As Always I keep it in its like a system That automatically Hides my emotions. I saw things I didn’t wanna see I would cry If U scream at me, Never ever been Me I’m always What People think I am, To the point where I lost My real Me, I loved everyone Never talked about someone In his Back, Never Made someone angry, Never Fought With someone I cant protect myself I’m weak, I always wanted to do things But I cant Cause I don’t have enough support. I’m traumatized I would always fight myself Always I would Be talking with someone and as soon as he/she leaves The noise Comes back and the thoughts. I told people who I am And I wish I didn’t They hurt me But Still I cant do anything I would just act as if They didn’t do anything My brother and sister Took my trust and used it against me “I would give them My Laptop and They would Go through My private Msg/DMs and Read them” If It wasn’t the fact that my computer restores the last tabs that where open I would Of never known. I live and I hate it everyday I cant even sleep even if I do, I would wake up in the middle of the night And as soon as I wake Up, The Thoughts Would come In and I have to stop them to sleep But I cant, I would lay on my bed thinking about how bad I am, How EMPTY I became people thing I’m funny and cool They don’t know me. I’m as bad and sad as I can be I wish I was dead. I would be walking in the street and thinking its better If A car hits me at least its not me who committed it. I have a lot of shit in my life That I just forget it. I cant even study anymore I feel bad for people but They never did feel the same way for me And I have to push myself to hate them and I hate It, I hate so mush. I don’t wanna hate anyone I wanna help everyone cause No body helped Me. Would cry and sleep wishing I would never wake up. I have eye problems cause I cry too mush But No body knows that I cry. I feel empty and Sad and I don’t even know how I feel. And When even I smile or laugh I know That something bad Is gonna happen AND it Does happen People just don’t get me I would listen to music sit there and wonder and think And THINK AND THINK till ever
I went through shit that I dont even know what It is I never ever showed This Me to anyone My family already has problems so I wouldn’t tell them about mine. I lost hope I LOST HOPE, I cant do anything I had enough I had sex since I was a Kid Idk why. Im just sad and empty I cant even pray cause Im scared, And If I do so Pray I need a reason for my parents they would be like “What’s Up with U praying U weren’t used to pray what happened” I would do anything to get my mind to be busy But I can I always watch YT my laptop Is trash, Im what so called Developer but I’m still learning And I cant learn with this thing I would cry if I see too people hugging and talking about emotions I’m getting sadder and sadder everyday every damn day And I cant do anything about It I would just wear my headphones and Listen to the same depressing music everyday. when ever I feel SO EMPTY I would Just talk to myself and write things on my computer I don’t have the files Now cause My pc got formatted But its pretty long.

So Remember The Test I told U about at the beginning Well Iv Done It again But after 3 months and Look what I got (Even worst results):

 

1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 63%
3-C-PTSD: 87%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 81%
5-Panic Disorder: 74%
6-Panic Attacks:71%

(This Is what remember But there is more things then just this)

hope u guys safe <3

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2 comments

williscalvin 11/30/2020 - 12:29 am

You have hope enough to end your post with a message of hope. That says a lot about you. Thank you for giving of what you do have.

Im-Random 12/5/2020 - 8:48 am

thx <3

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