It hurts

To have a big heart, to always consider everyone and everything else before myself. It hurts to be alive more than it feels good. I think I should leave this life now I’m broken completely and I don’t have the will to make it work. I need help and it never seems to come. Cutting doesn’t help anymore I have literally sliced my entire forearm just to feel relief from the emotional pain. But it was almost like my arm was made of stone and the cuts didn’t even phase me. I wish I had health insurance right now so that maybe I could see a therapist and maybe get some support. But my life is a storm of chaos so nothing ever seems to work out well. I feel like I’ve gone insane the pain I feel is comical at this point and the things that go wrong anger me but at the same time it is HILARIOUS because what did I expect? What if I don’t want to fulfill my life’s purpose? What if I want to be selfish? What if I want to give up? What if I don’t want to endure anymore suffering for a small highly unlikely chance of happiness?