2020 has savagely wrecked my life. Everything is my fault. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. I was given a horrible fate, and false. I fought a bad childhood just to be victimized by Life. I was always hopeful i could find a breakthrough. I messed everything. My past of actions through 2015 until now 2020 has caught up with me. I deserve to die. Even if people care, i feel like i deserve to die. I can’t live with the regret. The regret is killing me. My failures are killing me. My depression is killing me. The lack of family is killing me. I feel like death. I feel like im already hugging the ground that wants my body 6ft deep. I feel like the trees can feel my sadness. I feel the hate of the world. I’m an outcast. The exile. Nobody likes me without something to give. There is no unconditional love. Love will always be condtioned. Everything is killing me. Running out of money. My health going horrible. No motivation. Cant find work. I’m in alot of pain with depression. Depression is killing me. I’m dying inside my mind. I feel like my suicide is inevitable, i don’t know much longer i can go on. Suffering in silence and you know can’t find help because no one cares. People only care about money. Poor people have no value. I feel the insanity and emotinal deprivation. How do i go on? Even the strong die.
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You seem to be fighting it quite a bit though. Yes, this year has been a constant struggle to hold on. Yet, here you are. Not that such a thing makes it any better, rather recognizing that survival is hard, and so is dying. As frustrated as you are, there’s bravery there. Somehow, you will yourself to try again, even when you’ve convinced yourself that it is futile.
That’s my problem, I always see what things might be. What they are is incidental, an accident of timing. Your bank account does not make you, nor your social status. Rather, it is your mind, and your willpower to conquer that will matter in the end.
Perhaps nothing matters, apart from that which we give value. In your desire to function, desire to matter to others, I see a motivation too often lacking in society. So go, stay, wait and go, wait and stay. If you go the world will be poorer for lacking your contribution. If you stay, we might all benefit from your unique worldview, perspective, and strength.
Remember that when it feels that all else has been taken. You choose when you ultimately give up. You choose how you think of things. All else may and often is lost, but the ability to interpret is a power reserved for the self.