its ironic i deserve to die

i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling will pass but they dont know that i deserve death if god is real i know i deserve to go to hell and burn forever nd most people fear that but its so much more fucked up when you know you deserve to be there or that you deserve all the pain and suffering your going through fuckin hate it and all i can do is make myself a better person but that doesn’t change the past i wish i wasn’t afraid so i could fucking end it but the fear the paranoia the sadness the pain it doesn’t stop i feel like i might be in some sort of limbo but its not going to end i know im a better person now but now i suffer the consequences of my actions in my own God damn mind