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Numb and Dead Inside

by just_a_person

Hi, I didn’t ever post anything on here because i thought that (and still do) I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was 9, I just got officially diagnosed I think maybe 3 months ago but I always just knew. I started self-harm 2 years ago and at first, it was a way for me to know that I could feel but then I became numb to the pain. Now, I do it because I feel as though I deserve this. This process of self-harm caused me to attempt suicide. Now, I’m not going to lie, I don’t regret it (well maybe a little, I don’t know) because it made me realize that I can’t handle all this anymore.

I’m quite a young-aged person (I won’t disclose my age just because) and it really does suck that I have to go through with this horrible fucking cycle every single day. It’s like, why even bother trying if I can’t do a simple thing to just be happy (I’m pretty sure being happy or positive doesn’t come naturally to you or me)? That’s when I realized that I can’t go on and I had to do something about it. Fast forward a bit to now, I go to talk therapy and honestly, it doesn’t do much (for me at least) and my therapist suggested to my parents to maybe try antidepressants and they totally shut down that idea and I really thought that antidepressants would actually help. So I’ve thought and contemplated suicide for so long but I didn’t actually go through with it (well as I said, I tried to once, but I didn’t mainly because in my religion, it’s not permissible to commit suicide). Although I know that some people in my life would be devastated if I ever do, I can’t fucking go on like this, thank you for you’re time.

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a1957 11/27/2020 - 12:42 pm

To one extent or another we all suffer with doubts about our self worth . The doubt has a life of its own.

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