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So damn numb

by morado123

I once learned that self-hurt habits usually diminish as we grow. I always thought that the reason people stop cutting themselves was that they become mature and have better ways to cope with problems. I was wrong. I stopped mutilating my skin as I became an adult, but not because I was a better man. It was just that the depressed feelings became inherent and I felt so numb I couldn’t even hurt myself.

I live so hard everyday. Once in a while, I’ll see what my friends are up to and see that everyone else is enjoying their life. They go traveling with their friends, go on a date with their boyfriend or girlfriend or eat in somewhere fancy while I’m at home studying and doing work alone. SNS is a devil. Whoever said that interaction is key to happiness is wrong. SNS like Instagram and Facebook only makes me realize how lonely and unworthy my life has been.

I hate this, you know? I have no meaning in life. My family will live on without me and I don’t have friends. I’m utterly alone.

I feel so numb. I think I’ll disappear soon.

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a1957 11/27/2020 - 12:53 pm

Every day is so hard for you. Like so many who suffer so much, you have insight.

ShatteredStarlight45 11/29/2020 - 7:18 pm

Hey man. Dunno if you’ll see this, but believe it or not, reading your post made me feel just slightly better tonight. Kinda feels a bit better knowing someone else feels like I do. I totally understand you about social interaction making a person feel worse and more isolated, not better, since it shows you everything you lack – thanks for putting into words something I’ve always felt but could never explain. Totally get you about the cutting too – I used to wonder where all the people like us went after high school, then realised we all just become numbed out to the pain. People always said “it gets better”; just something else to feel guilty about, that I’m not “better” by an age well past when I should be.

I’ve felt lonely my whole life, my family are abusive shits and the people who call themselves my friends aren’t the kind of people I can go to to actually talk about stuff or get support from. The only person I ever felt gave a shit about me was my best friend, but then he got a gf and basically disappeared from my life, so. My counsellor kinda helped too, but even then, she’s paid to do that, paid to give a shit. Same with the suicide helplines, doctors, whatever. They care b/c they have to, b/they feel obligated – I’m just a number to them, they don’t know me, and it’s not like I’m their kid they have an actual motivation to save out of love or something.

Nobody gives a crap about me as an actual person, or would miss me if I died, and I just…what’s the point? Ya know? I have no purpose to being here. I absolutely hate that we live in a world where so many people feel like this, where there’s a forum full of people lonely and in agonising pain and just…nobody fucking cares. I’d give anything in the world for other people not to feel like I do, but I’d also give pretty much anything just to feel like someone who knows me irl genuinely cares about me and values me. I don’t think I’m that crummy a person that I don’t have some value, someway, to someone, but I’ve always just been alone and invisible no matter what I do. Starting to give up on that ever changing.

Anyways, I really hope you’re still around to maybe read this comment and know there’s at least one other person who feels exactly as you do. You sound like a cool guy, even when I don’t know you; I might be a hypocrite, but I hate the idea of anyone (else) feeling sad and alone and killing themselves. Sorry for the long ramble.

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