I once learned that self-hurt habits usually diminish as we grow. I always thought that the reason people stop cutting themselves was that they become mature and have better ways to cope with problems. I was wrong. I stopped mutilating my skin as I became an adult, but not because I was a better man. It was just that the depressed feelings became inherent and I felt so numb I couldn’t even hurt myself.
I live so hard everyday. Once in a while, I’ll see what my friends are up to and see that everyone else is enjoying their life. They go traveling with their friends, go on a date with their boyfriend or girlfriend or eat in somewhere fancy while I’m at home studying and doing work alone. SNS is a devil. Whoever said that interaction is key to happiness is wrong. SNS like Instagram and Facebook only makes me realize how lonely and unworthy my life has been.
I hate this, you know? I have no meaning in life. My family will live on without me and I don’t have friends. I’m utterly alone.
I feel so numb. I think I’ll disappear soon.
3 comments
Every day is so hard for you. Like so many who suffer so much, you have insight.
Hey man. Dunno if you’ll see this, but believe it or not, reading your post made me feel just slightly better tonight. Kinda feels a bit better knowing someone else feels like I do. I totally understand you about social interaction making a person feel worse and more isolated, not better, since it shows you everything you lack – thanks for putting into words something I’ve always felt but could never explain. Totally get you about the cutting too – I used to wonder where all the people like us went after high school, then realised we all just become numbed out to the pain. People always said “it gets better”; just something else to feel guilty about, that I’m not “better” by an age well past when I should be.
I’ve felt lonely my whole life, my family are abusive shits and the people who call themselves my friends aren’t the kind of people I can go to to actually talk about stuff or get support from. The only person I ever felt gave a shit about me was my best friend, but then he got a gf and basically disappeared from my life, so. My counsellor kinda helped too, but even then, she’s paid to do that, paid to give a shit. Same with the suicide helplines, doctors, whatever. They care b/c they have to, b/they feel obligated – I’m just a number to them, they don’t know me, and it’s not like I’m their kid they have an actual motivation to save out of love or something.
Nobody gives a crap about me as an actual person, or would miss me if I died, and I just…what’s the point? Ya know? I have no purpose to being here. I absolutely hate that we live in a world where so many people feel like this, where there’s a forum full of people lonely and in agonising pain and just…nobody fucking cares. I’d give anything in the world for other people not to feel like I do, but I’d also give pretty much anything just to feel like someone who knows me irl genuinely cares about me and values me. I don’t think I’m that crummy a person that I don’t have some value, someway, to someone, but I’ve always just been alone and invisible no matter what I do. Starting to give up on that ever changing.
Anyways, I really hope you’re still around to maybe read this comment and know there’s at least one other person who feels exactly as you do. You sound like a cool guy, even when I don’t know you; I might be a hypocrite, but I hate the idea of anyone (else) feeling sad and alone and killing themselves. Sorry for the long ramble.
Hey there. I saw your comment after all these months and I just wanted to see if you’re still around here. Thanks for agreeing with me. I hope you now have someone who cares for you.