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So, so tired

by ShatteredStarlight45

The kind of bone-deep exhausted that all the sleep in the world won’t fix.

I have no-one who knows me who cares about me – nobody I could call with a [redacted] in my hand and say “I’m tired and hurting and scared, I’ve fucked everything up and I’m useless and I wanna die but I don’t, please come help me”, and they would. Nobody that would just come over, and take the [redacted] out my hand, and hug me, tell me they love me and I matter to them and they don’t want me to die. I don’t even know if people like that exist for anyone. I’m guessing probably not; either that or I’m just super-unlucky.

I’ve felt crushingly alone my whole damn life no matter how many friends I’ve made and lost, with the exception of one friend back in high school, and I guess to some extent my counsellor back in college. My bio family has never given a crap about me beyond what I do for them. What’s the point, if nobody gives a fuck about you? How/why are you supposed to care about yourself if no-one else does?! Music, movies, books and games were how I got this far: I would lose myself in songs and stories where people had family and friends who actually loved and cared for each other, and try and draw comfort from that.

But now I can’t write, which has always been the only thing I’ve ever had to hold onto when things got really bad, and I am so tired. My writing was the best comfort I had against the loneliness, and not being able to access that has sucked all the light and hope from the world worse than the worst thing I’ve experienced to date. I literally didn’t know I could feel this depressed before I lost it. I’m too damn listless to even make the effort to kill myself.

Literally the only reason I’m still here, writing this, is because I have some tiny, ridiculous, utterly blind faith that I might be able to write again someday. So long as I’m still breathing, I might be able to get it back somehow. And I owe it enough, I love it enough, to try, even if I don’t love myself.

It isn’t much, and life still hurts like fuck, but for this one thing, if I can just get it back somehow, I’ll bear the pain of being here til I die of old age, because my writing matters that damn much to me.

So yeah. Keeping plodding on, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Hopefully things might get better. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Breathing in, and breathing out.

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Monster 11/29/2020 - 8:40 pm

You write very well; I can tell you’re a writer. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to write in a while. As long as you’re here, you have a chance to finally be able to write again. I’m hoping you’ll be able to write sooner rather than later. You deserve the comfort it brings you. I hope you’ll get published someday, if that’s what you’re hoping for. Then your books will bring comfort to people who have felt the same way you have. That’d be so wonderful!

Until you’re able to write again (and I have faith you’ll be able to write again), continue to get lost in music, movies, books, and games. May that suffice until you can finally experience the comfort writing brings you.

I hope you’ll be able to care about yourself, someday. Your bio family may not care, but please know that’s not a reflection of you. You’re so deserving of self-love.

May you be able to write again, and love yourself. You truly deserve both of those things.

ShatteredStarlight45 12/1/2020 - 7:17 pm

Thank you so, so much! It honestly means the world to me that you took the time to reach out and give this random stranger your support, and to be so kind. Also I’m beyond thrilled that you think I write well!! Reading that first line made me smile properly from ear to ear.

That’s so kind of you to say, thank you! I often feel unworthy of my writing and the comfort and joy it brings me since I struggle to devote time to it (ADHD and anxiety make it difficult for me to focus or set aside time properly), and naturally I’m my own worst critic when reading my own work! But my writing never left me even back when my entire life crumbled around me 8 years ago, so I’m cautiously optimistic that I can get it back somehow if I just keep trying.

I would absolutly love to get published someday!! My life dream is to write a novel that would help kids like I once was and give them hope, like the music and books and movies and games I loved back then, and still love, gave me hope when I needed it most. I’m 25 now and still dress, and in a lot of ways think and act, like a 16 y/o punk lol. Always swore to myself I wouldn’t grow up into a jaded, out-of-touch, cynical adult who can’t relate to/acts like a holier-than-thou asshole to people younger than them. Dunno how well I’ve managed that, but I’ll keep on doing my best lol.

Thank you so much for your faith in my being able to write again; I honestly can’t express how much that means to me when I’ve almost lost faith in myself. Your point about getting lost in music, movies, books and games is excellent: at best they might inspire me to write again, and even if not any distraction and comfort is better than nothing.

Ah, you’re very kind, thank you so much! I hope I can care about myself someday too; the past couple years I’ve gotten a little better at forgiving myself/not actively beating myself up mentally and physically for messing shit up, so hopefully I can keep building on that in future. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, ten back, but I have to remember all the progress I’ve made before that didn’t feel like progress until I’d gone through it. I’d love to create a family of choice for myself, and find a healthy, functional partner one day too, but am way too much of a mess for that right now. Maybe this current round of crap is helping me heal so I can get closer to the kind of life I would wish for myself in that sense.

Jeez, this reply has turned into an essay, I’m so sorry! Please don’t feel obligated to reply, I just needed to vent some stuff I guess. Thank you so, so much for your kindness, your support, and just generally reminding me that not all people in this world are shitty and uncaring. Thank you for being a light in the world, and for giving me some hope when I’d all but lost mine.

Monster 12/3/2020 - 1:18 am

You’re absolutely worthy of your writing and the comfort it brings you! It’s beautiful that writing has been so important to you. I’m so very glad you have your writing.

That truly is such a beautiful dream. I can’t predict the future, but I honestly believe with my entire being that your dream is going to come true. You’re going to publish that novel, and it’s going to help so many kids. You’re going to be such an inspiration. A beacon of hope. I’m honestly so excited for you to make your wonderful dream a reality! You’re going to take your pain, and turn it into something beautiful. You’re so very deserving of that dream coming true. Again, I truly believe it will.

I’m so glad that you’ve been in the process of forgiving yourself/being kind to yourself! Yes! You’ve made so much progress, and you absolutely have it in you to continue making progress! You’re so deserving of healing from your past. Just think of how wonderful you’re going to feel when you get published. Think of how you’ll feel when you’re surrounded by your family of choice. I’m so excited for you to experience those things.

Thank you for being a light in the world. You’re truly a good person. I’m so excited for you to live the life of your dreams. Until then, keep writing. Keep losing yourself in your favorite songs/movies/shows/books/games. Keep working on forgiving yourself/being kind to yourself. You can get through this time of your life. I truly believe in you. All the best.

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