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Surprised it took this long, really

by heartlessviking

I’ve been running, for a long time, even this, in all of it’s apparent trying to deal, it’s running. As long as I must deny myself, I’m running from what I really want.

So here I am, drinking decaf coffee, looking at my vape like it owes me money, trying not to break down.

Not thinking I’m succeeding really, I tried to talk myself out of writing this, and here we are. I have no valid reason, merely hopes crushed and frustration. Yet, as I drove home earlier, I seriously thought about closing my eyes and ramming into a tree. It was delicious, just as a fantasy. I didn’t, obviously. More’s the pity. I keep digging deeper and deeper, hoping to find some ultimate evil behind all the nonsense, haven’t found it. If I could I would kill it, person, idea, whatever, anything can be obliterated.

There is no enemy, there is no item that can be brought into focus and attacked. People are just inept, incapable, utterly frustrating little bastards that make you think they could get around to being useful to others, but that’s just a clever ruse. Actually, it’s the opposite of a clever ruse; nothing intentional, intelligent, or contrived there. It is an unhelpful illusion. Just like love, and I suck at buying into the illusions.

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