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broken brain

by thehusk

I am a fantasist. I’m massively emotionally invested in things that are impossible in reality. Which generates endless despair. But I don’t know how to stop wanting what I want. Some things just feel essential.

My fantasies are also terrible. The sickest, most deplorable things you could imagine. And yet they also feel wonderful and great. So that’s a massive headfuck. Huge amounts of shame, guilt, fear, and self-hatred. But it also feels amazing.

So that holds me back from pursuing anything real. I can’t let anyone else see the sickness inside me. And I can’t give it up. I can’t contaminate others.

So my life has no meaning. I want the pain to stop, but it’s not strong enough yet to overcome fear of death. I want someone – I don’t want to be alone anymore. But I can’t – I don’t deserve to be with anyone. I can’t pretend I’m worthy of being with anyone. I have nothing to offer anyone. No one could see the sickness in me and not be disgusted.

My life is pointless. Just try and prepare for when things get bad enough, then kill myself. That’s it. No ambitions, no realistic hopes. Just sick fucking fantasies, and sad delusions, and shame, regret, fear, self-hatred.

Still, maybe if I tell myself this often enough something will shift in my brain. I’m so, so tired of being this.

5 comments
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5 comments

Yoges 12/18/2020 - 2:40 pm

Yep I too am a victim of wild, heedless fantasies. I have three distinct alter-egos in my head and I’ve been living out episodes of their/my lives in my head almost everyday for atleast seventeen years now. I deserve to be in the looneybin but luckily no one yet knows the deep recesses of my mind. However, fantasies can also see you through this living hell. It can give you a crazy hope of something to look forward to. I still hope for reform. It will need drastic measures but I’ll stay put and play Sisyphus as long as my parents are around

thehusk 12/18/2020 - 6:08 pm

I don’t know if I have distinct alter-egos, by my fantasies are certainly diametrically opposed and incompatible. I suppose they come from different parts of me. I definitely rely on them as a coping mechanism for negative emotions, but ultimately they only increase my suffering, as I encounter evidence of how impossible they are. I hope you find your reform, or a reality worth living for.

niki 12/19/2020 - 6:53 am

I can also totally relate with you. I feel & think exactly the same.

Virus.Found 12/20/2020 - 6:11 am

Same here.. Be strong dude. Maybe others won’t find your thoughts weird, that’s what I hope with mine at least.. I think we make up these things to not die inside completely.

heartlessviking 12/22/2020 - 11:47 pm

I too desire things that may never be. Every night recently as I close my eyes these things come to my mind, and no matter how hard I push them away, they persist.

I was struck by you saying that you desire companionship, yet consider yourself unworthy, with nothing to offer. Nothing to offer yourself perhaps, hence your current misery, but surely that prediction is not founded in fact in terms of actually talking to people. You say yourself; you’re hiding. I think you’ll find that when you tell people of the things in you, some of the shame will go away.

Do you know why we feel shame? It is an outcome of pride; a desire to be better than we are. Some days my shame is my only sign that I care even the slightest about what happens to me, or for the person that I am. I found this an interesting read, and you have not successfully disgusted me;

As a result I require either you admit that your prediction did not extend to me, or discuss further what you think is such a horrible thing. I assure you, every day I see horrible things, but it has been years since I have been legitimately taken unprepared by some unpleasant thing. In our fear, and our sorrows we confess as to what we are. If we were not anything, we’d have nothing to confess.

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