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I just want to feel

by lilsuicideangle007

I feel like if I bleed out someone will finally care that I’m suffocating in my own sadness. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling okay, the only person I ever felt something with left me. His words were like knives and killed me with an “I love you” but I was too blind in love to see the lies behind his eyes. All I want to do is lay here, Christmas doesn’t even feel the same. I can’t find the jolly spirt I felt when I was younger, guess thats what happens when you grow up right? I feel like I’m flouting in a sea of happiness that I can’t drowned myself in/ Sleep is all I’ve really come to know, my only true friend. Besides that I’ve been coping with cigarets and fake smiles. I’m starting to realize that I’m becoming the person that my parents don’t want and the person I fear the most is me. I don’t want to disappoint my parents, but does anybody really? I can hear a song that reminds me of a better time but I ruin due to my always shitty mood. What can I say other then “I’ll do better.” a phrase I learned way to young that slips off my tongue like water. The only things i can say i really know is cigarettes, sleep, and sex. Ah yes sex, what a wonderful thing but not so wonderful when it is the only way to feel the touch of another person without wanting to cry in their arms. I started loving myself again and then the dark shadow came back after he left. I really hate myself for letting him leave but I knew if I held onto it, it would have done more damage to me then it already has. I try to put myself first but when I do it’s like I’m loading a gun and when I don’t I pull the trigger. Why can’t I just be happy without drugs and sex, is there really any hope for me anymore. If there is and it is the bright light at the end of the long tunnel of life then can I get there sooner?

  • That girl
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