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Others on a similar trajectory

by heartlessviking

We get that we’re all drawn here because there is no effective management system for our problems right? It’s a cosmic Fuck-up, and me talking to you is only one outcome.

Supposedly I’m “essential”, I’ve spent this whole week training for a job that I only ever somewhat wanted. This is my plan C or D, I had other ideas. Granted, assuming that anyone gave a damn implies a coherent consciousness that is concerned with my well being. That’s a pretty big faith leap is what I’m saying. Everyone hurts, we’re all only barely holding on, that is those of us who manage to.

This training I’ve been doing, it seems to have collected the largest amount of compassionate people who want to make a difference I’ve ever seen in one place. Not just the lip service ones that pretend for an hour a week at church. These people _Care_, and it is so adorable I could cry. They really think they’re going to save anyone. Granted, every now and then I do manage to save anyone. Statistically I save no one, and only 0.00005% of the people I work with have a prayer of living a full functional life. I traded a life where I killed 0.0005% of the people I ever met, for this. Does it matter? Will that miniscule percentage thank me? I think I’m doing it for my ego. If I was honest, I’d work out how to rob banks. There are horrible people making huge piles of resources, and no one will weep if a morally ambiguous person were to liberate some of it.

One of the reasons that I utterly fail even at at paranoia is that these are the anti social thoughts that I certainly make no secret of. One day I’ll fail to talk myself out of it, and likely as not no one will ever know. I am nothing, nobody, just a hallucination of a decent human being, a blip in a cosmic history of cruelty.

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