I was messaged back by an old friend, someone I grew up with. Apparently they took my message as me pressuring them to see me and took a somewhat stern tone with me explaining how they’ve got bullshit going on… And there I was right on the other end expecting them to be glad to communicate with me. God forbid we actually have a conversation.
It has finally been cemented to me that the only time people don’t want anything to do with their phone is when communication is involved.
And I know it’s obvious saying this, but that is unless it’s fucking Snapchat, Tinder, Facebook or TikTok. It’s just… Unavoidable. The old ways… Of relationships and communication, are dead.
Why even bother being in this world anymore? Why even bother being in this world that doesn’t want us?
You’d think I learn something by now. You’d think I’d learn, that the only consistent thing in my life is disappointment, and formulate a pattern out of it and realize not to come to expect anything else out of people or this world.
This just further cements my decision. I’m not wanted, or needed, or even cared about here. My friend as I knew him, and our friendship, is for all intents and purposes, lost. Gone with the wind. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever cared about. And they may as well just sleep. If only I had the resolve to do it. But I have pills. Pills that can help me. They’ll help me go down. And I know exactly how to do it. In fact, factually speaking, it’d be hard not to die under those circumstances, that make it so easy to die, or be free. But I think this world is too callow for death to be real. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I mean it. So I don’t know what lays on the other side of death. I hope Buddhists, and Nietzsche, aren’t right. You know how they say fire can’t burn itself? Fire is a property, right? Well, since life can never know itself or understand what it is, it makes sense to say that life is a property, just like fire, doesn’t it? Food for thought.